Why We Are Awesome by Padfoot and Prongs
by Adonis blue
Summary: Life is just a Quidditch game: Padfoot & Prongs would like to share their Awesomness with you & let you know that, should you choose not to read, they may choose to stuff you in a broom cupboard & hide emergency cheese all over your room.
1. Awesomeness

Disclaimer: Characters created by J.K. Rowling

A/N: This is based off of an actual conversation between _the estella black_ (check out her profile) and I. We decided that we were the female version of the Marauders, a generation later. The beginning is taken almost word for word from that conversation, so make sure to give her credit as well. The title & name Neveah also belong to her. See if you can figure out who's who...

* * *

**Why we are Awesome **

_by Padfoot and Prongs_

"And what exactly does it mean to golden snitch someone?"

James and Sirius sat in the common room in between classes, lounging in the wingback chairs as if they didn't have another class that afternoon and they didn't have two rolls of parchment due.

"You know—" James began. "forget it."

"Was I supposed to understand?"

James shrugged. "Maybe not."

"Probably not...thus why I asked." Sirius shifted in the chair and rolled his eyes at the giggles that floated across the common room from a group of third year girls.

"I mean, doesn't she remind you of one?"

"One what? The snitch?"

"I mean, look. I'm the seeker, right? Remus, and Pete are the bludgers and-?"

"Oh Merlin!" Sirius abandoned his reclining position with a start and leaned forward like a gossiping schoolgirl. "Does that mean—YEEESSSSSSSS! Does that mean I get to be the _quaffle_?"

"It fits, right?" James stopped, realizing the meaning behind Sirius' tone. "Oh. You arse."

"I was hoping it would mean that I could be the quaffle, Jamsie. It's my favourite ball."

"Shut it." James threw a pillow in the direction of his best friend, who caught it easily.

"Thanks." Sirius punched the pillow into the crevice between his head and the couch, and a silence fell.

"Y'know. . . now that I think about it. . . We're living in a Quidditch game, sweet."

"Yeah. I had this revelation last night. That's exactly how she acts."

"You going to Astronomy tonight?"

"She flits around, teasing, taunting. All over the pitch. Then when you get close enough, she darts away."

"Huh, she is the snitch."

"Yeah. I might be late though. I have to finish the letter to my parents."

"How is the old mum?"

"Fine. Doting, as usual. She keeps asking when she's going to meet her."

"Who the snitch?"

"Lily, yeah."

"Well, considering she still hasn't agreed to go on a date with you, you may be set for a duel without a wand."

"I don't know why she keeps writing me about it."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "It _couldn't_ be that you talk about her every waking moment."

James cleared his throat to protest. "I do no—aw hell." He ran his hand through his hair as a certain redhead passed through the common room and out of the portrait hole, probably on her way to the library.

James sat in a stupor for a moment. Sirius, used to this Lily-watching side effect, just sighed unnaturally loud… repeatedly… and waited unpatiently for James to notice.

"Are you going to Eddie's birthday tomorrow?"

"Probably should, as we promised to provide the firewhiskey."

"Yeah. I'm not feeling it."

"Padfoot. Do I hear you correctly? Are you passing up a party?"

"I just don't relish detention with Filch."

"Whaddyou mean?"

"Classroom 410? Really?

What happened your sense of adventure?"

"I just don't feel like getting detention for classroom 410. If we were hosting it in the Astronomy tower, or the dungeons or 05 or 612…anything but room 410? There's no excitement in it. You know it's a party room, the professors know, and you know the professors know."

"I know. But he's been shadowing me lately, asking every five minutes."

"Hex him"

James spoke in a high-pitched voice. "Did you get the drinks, James? Don't forget about the drinks."

"It's really not that big of a deal."

"Tell him that."

"Seriously." James looked at his friend. "What?" Sirius protested. "No pun intended. Seriously."

"Seriously?"

"Hon-est-ly." Sirius spoke as if he were talking to a particularly dumb child. "Happy?"

James smirked. "Yeah. Anyway. I can't hex him. And I can't not go. He's expecting me to go. He's been . . . clingy lately."

"You gotta shake them off early. Those clingy ones—"

"Seems like they always come after me. Marian Cremellion, Joan Whisely, Georgina Lewis…and that's only the females of the population. The guys try it too—" Here he glanced furtively at a smirking Sirius. "Not in same way. They all want to be my best mate."

"Forgive me, but I don't see the magic that makes people want to be your best mate."

"Yeah." James sighed tragically. "I tried to brush him off after Charms yesterday, but he caught up with me. Then he was offended that I hadn't been thinking about his party that second." James stopped. "I don't understand it either." Here he looked at Sirius, and the corner of his mouth twitched. "I mean, it could be that I'm the fabulous James Potter…"

"Or the fact that you're dead sexy and I want you to have my children." Sirius smiled and waved as a few nearby girls gaped at him. Immediately, almost as if they had been given a love potion, they turned to each other and giggled.

"Right you are, Padfoot. The truth of it is intoxicatingly exciting," James winked.

"I'd go wherever it is. I'm in the mood for a good party. With the way Ed's been acting, though, I'd rather not buy him the firewhiskey."

"So don't." James and Sirius looked at each other. "I dunno, Prongs; I just have a bad feeling about it."

"We can be buddies." Sirius raised an eyebrow. James leaned forward to whisper so he couldn't be overheard. "You can be my invisibility cloak buddy?"

"Always, Prongs. I'd just rather go somewhere where we can actually have some fun before we're busted."

"I'm not planning on getting busted."

"That's what's going to happen though. Especially because it's Eddie."

"He's going to get drunk of his arse and do really stupid things so we end up babysitting."

"I know."

"I fail to understand your logic. You know I'm right, yet you're still going. I don't see why we can't have something here." He gestured to the half-empty Gryffindor common room.

"That would be better."

"I suggested it to him earlier this week."

"And?"

"He kept changing the subject."

James rolled his eyes. "Shocking. Anyway, I'm not being his sitter; there's going to be plenty of others there. I figure, I'm bringing the Firewhiskey. That should get me out of anything else."

"Yeah, but he's a bit of a…how can I put it nicely? Dumbass. Lost his wand the other day."

"Are you serious?"

"Why yes, yes I am." The young man smiled charismatically, and James shrunk in his chair with a groan.

"Oh piss."

"Of course, I helped things along by hiding it in the dirty sock section of his trunk, but he would have lost it eventually."

James booming laughter led a few of the studying students to abandon the common room in favor of a quieter place.

"Revolting, that was. Like shifting through Doxy eggs. I had to scourgify them."

"The socks?"

"My hands," said Sirius wiggling his fingers. A third year across the common room thought he was waving at her, and she fell off her chair with a squeak.

James rolled his eyes.

"You're ridiculous."

"No, I'm Sirius. And you're jealous."

"Man, you have to stop with the name puns. And jealous of what? Your ability to attract _third years_?"

"My ability to attract any girl I want. And your inability to attract the _one_ you want."

James paused only a moment before whipping out his wand. The jinx hit Sirius in the chest and he was jerked off of the sofa and onto the floor in a fit.

Within seconds, Sirius had fired a jet of electric yellow light. It missed James by inches only to rebound off of a wall sconce and hit the scraggly haired boy in the back. Tendrils erupted from James' ears.

James raised his wand, fighting off the fuzzy tendrils which were wrapping themselves around his arms. While Sirius stood across the common room, making a big show of examining his fingernails, James performed a spell that caused the vines to shrivel up and fall out of his ears.

Before he could get out the next jinx, however, both his and Sirius' wands flew out of their hands. Sirius looked affronted, and James took the opportunity to lunge at him, knocking his friend to the ground with a thud. The two boys wrestled around, knocking into any and every chair and table that got in the way.

Meanwhile, Lily Evans stood nearby with two extra wands in her hands. A girl with light brown hair and ocean green eyes walked over to where Lily stood watching the wrestling bout with exasperation.

"Hey Lily."

"Hi Neveah"

"Um…what are they doing?"

"I try not to think about it too much."

"Did he just say _snitch_?"

"I think so, yeah."

"Well at least if this-" Neveah waved her hand toward the boys, who had hit a stop in front of one of the large armchairs and were fighting to maintain power over the tussle "is over Quidditch, it's worthwhile. Maybe."

"Uh, Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you going to stop them?"

The redhead sighed. "I suppose I have to." She withdrew her wand. The effect was instantaneous. Sirius & James froze, James with a handful of Sirius' beloved hair and Sirius with his palm pushing up on James' chin.

"Now boys," spoke Lily, pressing her face as close to theirs as she dared. "If I let you up, are you going to behave?"

Neveah giggled. "You sound like you're talking to a couple of five-year-olds."

"I am."

"Right."

Lily turned her attention back to the boys. James eyes, although frozen, seemed to widen.

"Good." She released the spell and the James collapsed on top of Sirius.

"Attractive," commented Neveah.

"I know, isn't it though?"

"Gerroff me, Prongs. Not in front of the ladies." Sirius shoved James off him and stood with a bow. "Thank you, thank you." Then he spotted Neveah. "And you-thank _you_."

Neveah rolled her eyes.

"Where did you come from, beautiful? Surely I would have noticed _you_ before."

"I doubt, Sirius Black, is it? that you take your mind away from your dick long enough to notice anything."

Lily's mouth fell open before turning into an appreciative grin.

"I'll see you later tonight, Lily."

"Six O'clock?"

"Yeah."

"All right, see you then."

Sirius watched her walk away, moth slightly ajar and tongue beginning what would have proved to be a good drool. "Evans!" he barked, "_Who_ is _that_?"

"Neveah Harper. But don't waste your time; she's out of your league, Black."

"Everyone's in my league-if I want them there."

Lily snorted. "Not her. Now can you and Potter try to act like your age, please?"

"Sorry, Lily." James finally emerged from his stupor to nod, running his hand through his hair.

"Just because you're a Prefect, Evans, doesn't mean you can order us around. And I though you just said we were five."

"I don't have time for this. In case you're interested, we have class in twenty minutes." Lily tossed their wands on the battle-worn chair and marched up the stairs to the girls' dormitory.

Even before Lily had left, a glazed look took over Sirius' eyes. "If I'm the quaffle, that girl is definitely the goalpost"

James, in a stupor of his own, nodded. "Wait, what?"

"Neveah Harper…"

"Oh."

"Meet your dream come true."

"Lily said-"

"The sun does not shine out of that girl's arse, Prongs."

James turned on Sirius. "How do you know what her ass looks like? Why were you looking at her ass?"

"Merlin's beard, Prongs. Cool your wand. That's not what I meant."

"Oh. Why didn't you tell me she was there!"

"Why the hell do you think I was yelling 'snitch' at you the whole time you were trying to take off my face?"

"Oh."

"You're welcome."

The two collapsed into each other's original positions-James on the sofa and Sirius in 'his' chair.

Sirius tossed James his wand.

"Padfoot? Do you think I'll ever get a chance with her?"

"I'll speak to Neveah on your behalf. Maybe she'll put in a good word with Evans."

"Thanks." James glumly shoved his wand inside his robes.

"Anything's possible, Prongs. After all, like myself, you are a damn good Quidditch player."

"But I'm not a seeker."

"We'll see."

"James!" Despite his best efforts, James could not shrink into the sofa. "James, I've been looking all over for you!"

"_Help_!" He mouthed at Sirius.

"Eddie! My man!"

"Hey Sirius. I was just about to ask James about the-beverage-situation for tomorrow night."

"Right, right." Sirius threw his arm around Eddie and whispered confidentially. "The Firewhiskey. Did you choose a flavor yet?"

"There are different flavors? I thought it was just-"

The corners of James' mouth began twitching.

"Eddie, Eddie…so much to learn. I'll tell you what. Whaddayousay we take you down to our secret stash, and you can pick out whatever you like?"

"I don't know, Sirius… It is a _secret_ stash. Maybe we shouldn't"

"Aww, James. We can trust Eddie here to keep the secret, can't we, Ed?'

The blonde boy nodded fervently. "Absolutely."

"Okay," Sirius clapped his hands together. "Let's go."

"Now? But we have class."

"You don't always need to go to class, Eddie. It's healthy to skive off once in a while."

"Besides," James chimed in, "this is the perfect time. No one else around."

Eddie nodded. Sirius called them all in for a huddle and whispered.

"So that's how you're always stocked after Quidditch games!"

"Shhh!" James shushed him earnestly. "Don't tell the whole world, Mayland. We can't have everyone knowing our secrets."

"Just the… elite of Hogwarts."

"Elite."

"Now. Onto adventure."

Twenty-one minutes later, a windswept James and Sirius burst through the door to the potions classroom.

"Mr. Potter. Mr. Black. Thank you for joining us," chided Slughorn gently from the front of the room. "You don't have Mr. Mayland with you, by any chance?"

"Mayland?" said James smoothly as he slid into his seat. "You mean Eddie? Nope. Sorry, Professor."

"Last time I saw him, he was hanging around the Quidditch pitch, near the old broomshed," added Sirius, plopping onto the stool next to James. "But haven't seen him since then."

"Well that will be a detention, if he's skiving off his classes. Which reminds me. A point each from Gryffindor, boys, for your tardiness."

"Sorry, Professor."

"We were actually out looking for him, Professor. That's why we were late."

Years of practice caught James up to his friend in a second. "We knew he wouldn't want to miss such an important class."

"Definitely not." Sirius winked at James as Slughorn's face began to turn a pleasant pink.

The professor cleared his throat. "Ehhem. Well, well, boys. I applaud your efforts. I suppose Gryffindor doesn't need to lose points. Your intentions were for the best, after all. Just see that it doesn't happen again."

"Never, Professor."

James and Sirius smiled as innocently as they could. As soon as Slughorn turned his back, they whirled around to face Remus and Peter, sitting at the table behind them. Remus raised an eyebrow.

"Later," James whispered.

"With any luck, dear old Eddie will have a detention tomorrow night. I believe that's a Gryffindor goal to chaser Padfoot with an assist by Prongs! Haahhhh! Haahhhhhh!"

James attempted to smother his laughter. Then he caught sight of Lily starring at him, her eyes burning with suspicion, and the laugh drowned in his throat.

"Now if I could just catch the snitch," he grumbled.

"Don't worry, Prongsie Poo, I'll give you some lessons."

"Thanks, Padfoot, Thanks. That's…comforting."

"Anytime mate. I'll be with you till the end in this Quidditch game called life."

James rolled his eyes and shrugged off Sirius' arm from around his shoulders. "Just throw in the shaved newt tail."

"Sure thing. Hey, have you tried this line on her yet?" Sirius slackened his jaw and waggled his eyes. "Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?"

"Um… I don't think that will work. Not on Li-the snitch."

"Okay, okay. How about this one: I'm invisible."

"What?"

"Come on, just play along. You be the snitch, and I'll be you. I'm invisible."

James threw in the newt tail himself. "Really?"

"Yeah. Can you see me?"

"Um…?" Sirius nodded his head violently. "Yes…?"

"Great! How about tomorrow night?"

Remus snorted from behind them. "Don't listen to him James. Lily is too classy to fall for something so obviously…Padfoot."

Pete giggled. "He's right, Prongs."

"Shut it," Sirius glared at their fellow Marauders. "Okay. I got it: You can fall off a building, you can fall off a tree, but the best way to fall, is in love with-"

"Sirius!"

"Well, yes, but I thought we were talking about you and Lily. Plus it sounds much better with 'me.' Get it? Tree, me? They rhyme."

James stared at him. "How did you ever get a date?"

"Alright. So I've been holding out on some of the better ones." Sirius put on what his fellow Marauders recognized as his 'sexy voice.'

"Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your-"

"Professor Slughorn!" James raised his hand. "I want a new partner."


	2. Meeces

Disclaimer: Characters created by J.K. Rowling

A/N: Luckily, I am allergic to furry things. If I weren't, I would be hunting around the house for mice right now... Oh, and I spent inordinate amounts of time with groups of males recently... that should pretty much cover everything else.

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**Why We Are Awesome **

_by Padfoot and Prongs_

_~*~_

**Meeces**

"What do you want a mouse for?"

"Mice. Plural. There's two."

Sirius eyed James.

"Mice need friends," James shrugged sheepishly. "You gotta have at least two."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Mice? Really Prongs. Mice? They're so…"

"Cute."

"Did you just squeal? Like a girl?"

"No…"

"I was going to say stupid. Pointless. But if you must argue in their favor, at least choose a word that's more indicative of your raging masculinity. Or at least _my_ masculinity. Have some pride."

James mumbled something unintelligible.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Stop mumbling."

"Sorry."

"You're doing it again."

James shrugged and chomped down on a licorice wand.

"Besides, they're not on the standard list of animals accepted at Hogwarts. Rats, yes. Stupid little meeces, no."

"It's mice."

"Irrelevant, Moony. Take my side or go back to your essay." Lupin, who up until this point had been focused on his assignment, looked up. James tossed him a licorice wand, which he caught in his hand without the quill.

"Moony, what's your opinion?"

Remus looked between James half-desperation and Sirius' 'don't even' head tilt. "Uh… well, James, mice aren't my thing, but if _you_ like them, that's cool. But Sirius is right--they aren't a regulation Hogwarts animal..."

"Very diplomatic." James frowned. This was not the answer he had been hoping for, but it was--

"Typical Moony."

James returned his attention to Sirius. "Since when have you cared about following regulations?"

"I don't. Just get the damn mice if you want them, but I still think they're stupid."

James squinted. "You've been doing that a lot lately. Caring--" Just then, Peter had the misfortune of returning from the loo.

"Pete!" James jumped off the couch. "My, dear, dear _rodent_ friend." Peter looked sideways at James. "What do you think about me adopting a few mice? Keep you company. Eh? Eh?"

"Er…" Peter looked at Sirius who was frantically shaking his head and Remus, who just shrugged apologetically. "Um. Sure. You do know, " Peter dropped his voice, "that I'm a rat, right?

"Yeah, Pete. Yeah, of course." James clapped his friend on the chest.

"What's to say," began Sirius thoughtfully, "that tomorrow you won't change your mind and decide you want a couple hundred…sphinxes?"

"That's ridiculous. Are there even a couple hundred sphinxes around?"

"No," chimed in Remus.

"I think that was a rhetorical question." Peter nudged Remus.

"Oh. Good. Aside from the fact that they're extremely rare and difficult to acquire, the danger factor is just--just--not worth it." Remus shrugged.

"And we all know how well little Jamsie would do with that, what with his preference for ferocious little--meeces."

"It's mice," the three other marauders said at once.

"I _know_." Sirius worked very hard to roll his eyes just right. "And I still don't give a shit."

"Unless of course you're attempting to demonstrate their lack of masculinity by grammatically castrating their given name…"

_There was a prolongend silence as the others processed this statement._

"Moony, wha--? Ha haha hahahahaha-!" Sirius suddenly erupted into a familiar booming laugh.

"It's really not that funny," said James, despite the fact that his lips were twitching.

"Oh, come on," choked Peter through his hysteria.

"Your opinion doesn't count; you like anything to do with a penis," retorted James. A glance at his friends set both him and Remus off. The laughter of the four boys erupted to fill the entire common room.

"A--anyth--thing, Pete?"

"Sure...that's why his name's _worm_-_tail_?"

Sirius abruptly stopped laughing. "I--don't get it."

"Worm tail?"

"A worm's a worm and a tail… is like your arse, not your pecker."

"Not-- your pete-r!"

More laughter erupted from the four.

~*~

"Hey Neveah," Lily dropped her books on the study table. "What's with them?"

Neveah rolled her eyes. "I heard the word penis a while back."

"Oh." Which clearly meant, 'I should have known.'

"Want to study in the library?"

"Absolutely."

~*~

James hysteria was not so much that he failed to notice the entrance and exit of the love of his life from the common room. He sighed.

"For the love of women, Prongs. Stop being such a pansy."

"I'm not!"

It was Sirius' turn to sigh. "Whatever. If you must have them, why don't you keep them at home? It's not even practical to keep them here. Someone's cat will eat them."

"I can't. Already owled home with that idea. Mum vetoed it."

"Oh. Hide them in your room?"

"Mum likes to snoop."

"Ah." Sirius grew quiet. James instantly regretted his comment. He hated complaining about his mother in front of Sirius, despite the fact that Sirius claimed he didn't mind it. Staying with James' family and complaining about his doting if slightly overbearing mother added a sense of family normalcy to Sirius' life.

Neither Pete nor Remus added anything, and it was slightly awkward when Sirius was forced to break his own silence. "So…that's out then, is it?"

"Yeah." "Definitely." "I guess." All three spoke at once.

"Hm… dunno. Sorry Prongs."

"This problem could have been avoided if you didn't actually already--" Remus had spoken without looking up from the charms essay he had returned to, so he didn't see James' panic-stricken face or the frantic shaking of his head. "--buy the things."

James deflated.

"You. Already. Bought them?"

"Thanks, Moony."

"I'm sensing a pattern. You seem to mumble more after you realize you've done something _stupid_."

"Yeah. 'Cause when you're actually doing the something, you're really loud."

"You're a smart man, Wormy. Very observant." James blushed in spite of himself.

"Sorry, James."

"It's fine, Moony. I'd have had to let the mice out of the bag sometime. Ooh. Speaking of which--" and James began rooting around in the deep pockets of his cloak. Instantly, his blush disappeared. It seemed that when he used his hands, he could think and focus better.

"Well, Jamsie, let's see the little twits. I'm fully expecting ferocious beats. Otherwise your choice in rodent will disgrace me." Peter chuckled.

Pete and Siruis leaned forward in their seats, while Remus folded up his essay and tucked it neatly in his bag. By his definite nonchalant attitude, you'd think he'd already seen them.

"We're waiting, Prongs…Maybe we can think up something worthwhile to do with the buggers." A star seemed to shoot through Sirius' eyes.

"I--uh--" Dejectedly, James lifted up his hand. Two of his fingers were stuffed through a ragged hole in the bottom of his cloak pocket.

"Oh you are shitting me."

"No?"

"Well, this is interesting."

"How did you not feel them knawing their way through your robe?"

"I don't know. I was distracted."

"Obviously. I didn't know your head was up your arse as well."

"What do we do?"

"Guys?"

"We could always have Pete transform and send out some rodent call?"

Two heads turned in Peter's direction. The third just shook sadly. "I don't know if that will work, but I'll give it a try…"

"Guys! Shut it, will you?"

"You have our attention, oh wise one. What is your plan?"

"It's four days until the full moon. Why don't we just all calm down and _look_."

"Mmmm-ehhh… OH!"

All leaned conspiratorially closer to Remus. "You mean you're going to use your super senses to ferret them out."

"Yeah," Remus nodded slowly. Then, standing, he inhaled slowly, spun around once, wiggled his ears, and stuck out his tongue to taste the air. "_Well_, if I had to _guess_…"

Peter looked intrigued, James, hopeful, and Sirius expectant. Remus sighed and his voice dropped.

"_Common_ _sense_ would tell me they're over _there_." He pointed to a spot next to the entrance to the boy's dorms.

"Why?"

"How?"

"Katey Kelly's cat is pawing around under the cabinet."

"Oh."

"I take it I don't need to say I told you so?"

"I think you just did."

"Yeah, you're right. It's so much more fun that way."

Using their best spy skills, the four boys tip-toed over to the ornate cherry cabinet 'So as not to frighten it.' Whether 'it' was the mice or the cat remained to be understood.

"Quiet, now."

"Shhh."

"We _know_"

"One of you get on either side of the thing, so the mice can't get out that way. Pete, you make a grab for the cat. On three."

"One…"

"Two…"

"Four!"

"Padfoot!"

"What? Four's my favorite number. Why can't we go on four?"

"Because you've just ruined it. Get serious for once."

"No need. I'm right here."

"I'm consciously choosing to ignore that."

"Three!"

Peter pounced on top of the fuzzy tabby, but in a streak of Halloween colors and a cloud of floating future hairball, the thing maneuvered itself up and over Peter's leg and through his outstretched arm.

"Ow! It scratched me."

"I'll take care of that as soon as we get James' new pets out from under this piece of wood."

"We could always banish the closet to the other side of the room."

"Did I mention the piece of wood is priceless? An antique?"

"Oh whatever. How are we going to get it out then?"

"There are _two_!" James hissed. "Meeces, remember?"

"Even better. That still doesn't help us to get the _two_ little shits out."

Peter crouched down and peered under the space lit up by wands on either end. "We need some cheese."

"Brilliant, Pete. Want to run to kitchens and get some for us? That'll only take a year or so."

"Wait," interjected Sirius. "I think I have some upstairs. Accio emergency cheese!"

"_Emergency_ _chee--_Ow! What the--"

"Kharma's a bitch, Prongs." Sirius reached over to pick up the snitch-sized piece of cheese that had just bounced off of James' head. His friends were all staring at him. "What? You never know when you'll get hungry in the middle of the night. Especially if you're me. So I just reach under my pillow," Sirius was now miming his story, "and pull out--tada!--emergency cheese! Quick and tasty snack without having to leave the comfort of your four-poster."

"That is revolting, Padfoot."

"I think I just threw up in my mouth a little."

"You did not, Moony."

"Actually, I think I did."

"It's wrapped. It's not like I'm laying my head on top of it every night and then eating it."

"Actually…" began Remus.

"You kind of are."

Peter shrugged. "It's not a half-bad idea."

"You may be biased, having…er…rodent tendencies."

"What? It could be worse. Snivelly could be putting his greasy head on it. At least my hair is clean and handsomely unkempt. And besides, you're not eating it. They are." He pointed at the dark space currently hiding the mice.

"No wonder our room smells like shite. You're hiding food between your sheets."

"Not food, Just a spot of cheese. And maybe a cracker or two."

The remaining three marauders let loose varying sounds of disgust.

"And it's under my pillow. There are much better things--" Sirius dropped his voice, "between my sheets." He winked.

"Please, let's just feed the cheese to my mice. Then _that_ won't have to go back in our room."

"Fine." Sirius tore off the wrapper.

"Fine."

"You'll want to break it up a little." Three heads turned toward Remus in question. "Releases the scent better."

James immediately put his hands up. "I'm not touching it."

"I'm not either," echoed Peter.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other. "It's just cheese. I'll do it."

"It _is_ _yours_."

With a striking pout deliberately set on his face, Sirius shoved his index finger into the center of his hunk of emergency cheese. Very slowly, he smashed it into the carpet until it had turned into several small crumbly chunks.

"Defiling the halls of Hogwarts never seemed so wrong before."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, did a little shifting of the cheese, and the four boys waited.

And waited.

And

waited.

Remus tapped his fingers.

Sirius examined his nails.

James messed with his hair.

Peter peered under the dresser.

Then, suddenly, he squeaked. "I think they're coming!"

Peter froze.

"Well don't frighten them off!"

James froze.

"Here they come!"

Remus froze.

"I cannot believe that we're doing all this for a pair of mice."

Sirius (rather reluctantly) froze.

Two tiny pink noses wiggled out from under the dresser. They sniffed at the air, filled with adolescent anticipation, decided it was safe, and inched closed to the cheese, one miniscule toe at a time.

"Oh, for the love of--"

"Sirius!"

Startled, the creatures attempted to make a break for it. James and Remus were ready, however, snatching them up mid-flight.

"Prongs, are you _crying_?" Sirius' voice was full of disgust.

"It. Bit. Me. Reflex reaction. Tear ducts. Your fault."

"Prongs. If you continue with these feminine displays of--femininity, we--" he wiggled his fingers between himself and James, "can no longer be friends."

James had now transferred the trembling mouse to his uninjured hand and sucked on the wound. "I told you, it was a reflex. I had no control over it."

"Is that possible?"

All heads turned to Remus. He nodded. "Definitely." He jerked his head at Sirius. "Remember that time during the Quidditch game when Antione Favell swerved to avoid the bludger and accidentally rammed his broom--"

Sirius raised a hand. "Point made and accepted. "So…let's examine them. Someplace safer. James and Remus held tightly to their captives as they relocated to their old haunt by the fire. Sirius withdrew his wand and conjured a glowing pink pen of light.

"Pink," James grinned as he dropped the mice inside.

"It's the spell, not my fault."

"So, what am I going to do with them?"

"Just keep them."

"I don't know, Moony. I don't think I want something so stupid that it's caught by an attraction to Sirius' mouldy--" ("_Emergency!_" protested Sirius.) "cheese." He paused. "I think I'd like a cat. Clever balls of fluff."

Remus mumbled something that sounded remarkably like "fickle," but the others ignored him.

"We could--eh. Nah."

"They're okay."

"Sure they're okay, Pete. _If_ you know how to use them to their best advantage."

"Whaddayou have in mind, Padfoot, old pal?" James stared at his mice as though seeing them for the first time.

"Well--" but he was interrupted by a cry in an octave almost beyond human hearing.

"OHMYGODTHEYRESOCUTE!"

Sirius' eye twitched. He stuck a finger in his hear. "Hello, hello, hello? Can you hear me? Have I gone deaf?"

"Uh…"

James leaned closer to Remus. "Is it me, or did that…not make sense?"

"It's always you, Prongs." Sirius cut off Remus' reply.

Remus shrugged. "Just let him think that." James opened his mouth to argue. "Let it go, Prongs."

"I can hear you, you know. Hey, I can HEAR you. I'm not deaf!"

"Has he gone mad?" Peter asked James with a smile.

"Nope, he's just being himself."

"I can still hear you! I am no longer deaf."

"You are so offensive."

"Oh Moony, lighten up. You're distracting me from the beautiful young lady before me." At his comment, the fully developed seventh-year giggled. "What can I do for you, Madame?" Sirius pretended to take off a large, feathery hat and bowed his head.

James rolled his eyes.

The girl, called Eleanor Murphy, gestured toward the two mice, which were skipping around the pen. "They're so cute!" And she giggled again.

"Sounds like you, Prongs," Sirius winked.

"Death. You. Later."

Sirius turned back to the potion bottle-blonde before him. "They are sweet, aren't they." Given his demeanor and tone, you'd never know he'd spent the last three quarters of an hour making fun of them.

"This one belongs to Jamsie here--" James frowned. "And the one you've been oogling over, he's _mine_."

Now James was positively scowling.

"I think it's so sweet, to see a strong guy like you taking care of something so small and weak." She giggled yet again. She was one of those girls that giggled way too much. Probably a reflex to expel some of the air from her head, thought James.

Peter was staring wide-eyed at the whole situation. Remus sat with head tilted and mouth hanging slightly open, and James blinked as if clearing his vision would somehow change the situation.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"If she giggles one more time..."

"I can't believe they fall for this crap."

"For crap, it does pretty well. I mean, he's obviously doing something right." Remus sounded almost envious.

"It's the confidence," James answered definitely. "He spouts so much--eh--_crap_, but he's so confident about it, that other people believe it.

"Oh."

"You should try it sometime, Moony."

"Uh, I don't know…"

"C'mon, confidence would look good on you. And you're a fairly attractive bloke."

"Thanks, James. I think. You're not so bad yourself."

"I know. I'm going to kill him when this is over."

At that moment, James turned his head. He smelled a familiar scent of cinnamon drifting through the common room. Sure enough, Lily and Neveah had just walked through the portrait hole.

"It's not that big of a deal, Lily. Chill."

"I know, it's just that--what is going on over there?"

"Nothing. Merlin, Lily. I'm starting to think you're developing an infatuation with Potter and Black. Ever since they came late to Potions last week, you've been acting like they're--I don't know what."

"I _am not _infatuated. I couldn't care less--as long as they're not causing trouble that I have to--"

"You're not their personal Aurors."

"I'm a school Prefect, and they are notorious."

Lily rarely pulled the Prefect card, and Neveah rolled her eyes. "Fine. Let's just go and see what they're doing. Then we can finally decide that you're crazy-paranoid."

"No. I don't want to know."

"Yes, you do." Neveah grabbed her arm and dragged her closer to where the boys sat. "Then maybe we all can get some sleep tonight."

"They do tricks, really?"

"Sure." James raised an eyebrow at Sirius, but was deftly ignored. "But you'll have to come back for a special showing later."

"Does that line really work for you, Black?"

"I don't know, Harper, let's find out. What do you say, Eleanor? Are you up for a special, _private_ show?"

Eleanor giggled, making James want to tear out his eyes.

Sirius grinned. "I'll take that as a yes. It's getting a little crowded in here. Why don't you run along and I'll see you later?"

"Bye, Sirius," and with a final pet of his mouse, Eleanor bounced up the dormitory stairs.

"Using mice to do your dirty work now, Black?"

"Only the preliminaries. I do the best dirty work myself." He winked at her.

"I'm sure you do. So…uh…what's going on here? New pet?"

"James adopted them, and I was just putting them to good use."

Lily turned to James in surprise and alarm. James adopting a pet could not be good. For either the pet or her sanity.

James had the nerve to run his hand through hi hair. "Hi Evans." He tried very hard to be nonchalant.

"Potter," she nodded. "So that's it? You're just sitting around, petting your mice."

Sirius snorted, and Lily narrowed her eyes. "Not planning to create an army to take over the castle? Trick innocent bystanders into a detention?"

James laughed nervously.

"We hadn't thought of those Evans, but thanks for the ideas. I'll put the team right on it."

Lily turned back to Sirius in alarm. James, relieved to be given a break from the rather tumultuous emotions rocketing around inside him, deflated a little.

"That was not a suggestion, Black. If I find out you've done anything inappropriate in the slightest with those--"

"Meeces."

"Me--? Mice, I'll see to it that you--"

"Relax, Lily. They're sort of cute."

"Lily looked at Neveah, who was now crouching next to the mouse pen and stroking one of the furry scurriers. She groaned. "Not you, too."

"Lily. They're not coated in some potion that makes you fall for every line of Sirius Black's. That's called stupidity."

Sirius cringed. "Ouch. I don't need _every_ line, Harper. Just the right one." He leaned closer to her, and the mouse ran out from under her fingers as her hand froze. "Someday, I'll find the right one for you."

Neveah blinked a couple times. "Nope. But nice effort."

Sirius shrugged. "I'll find it."

"If it makes you feel better to think that. C'mon, Lily. If you ignore the prats surrounding them, they're kinda cute."

"Why tha--"

"She meant the mice, Black." Lily bent down to get a closer look at the mice, and even stuck a finger of peace into their pen."

She was so close to him, so completely touchable, so within reach but utterly unattainable that it hurt. James ceased breathing efforts. Remus poked him, but the petrified boy did not move.

Lily slowly, gently ran her finger along the back of the mouse that had been dubbed 'his' by Sirius. James shuddered and his face fell into an extremely lopsided smile.

Lily glanced up, and he was too enraptured to change his expression for what Sirius had dubbed 'Project Peter's Arse, Not Giving A, so Lily Will,' Project PAN the GAL attempt # W for short.

"They're cute enough." She stood and Neveah followed suit, understanding that Lily was satisfied with the investigation. "Certainly much more attractive that their owners."

Neveah nodded. "I especially like that they don't talk."

"Sure they do," smiled Sirius, for James was still tongue tied by the Lily Effect--Project PAN the GAL had not progressed very far-- "That little squeak meant that he thinks we'd work well together."

"In your dreams, Black."

"Every night."

Neveah's back went ramrod strait, and in a flash, her wand was creating a dent in Sirius' nose.

"Don't waste your energy with it, V. He's not worth it."

"He's not, but _I_ _am_."

"But then I'll have to take points from Gryffindor, and Black will think that you hexing him is some convoluted sign of affection…"

"I suppose... I could make the sacrifice for Gryffindor" Neveah slowly backed up a few paces without lowering her wand.

"Let's go." The girls turned toward their dormitory.

"Yep," Sirius began. James and Remus frantically began shaking their heads. When James realized that Sirius was completely missing his not-so subtle hints, he launched himself into the air. It was only as he passed over the mouse pen that he realized he would be too late both to stop Sirius' from speaking and to stop himself from crushing the mice they had endured bed-head cheese for.

"Definitely infatuated. On a deeper, psychological level. Doesn't even know it herself."

James threw out his arms to break his fall and felt a small zap as he broke through the pink mouse pen.

Just as James sent the fence chasing after the escapees, Neveah's spell hit Sirius right in the chest. He hic-coughed. An electric blue bubble oozed out from between his lips, spreading into the air.

James, Peter, and Remus watched as silvery writing reflected off of the surface: _I, Sirius Black, am a lying imbecile._

James mouth fell open.

"Do you really think that lying imbecile is the best term to describe him?" asked Lily.

"It's only warming up," Neveah replied nodding toward Sirius, who seemed to have realized what had happened.

He opened his mouth, presumably to protest, and the bubble burst in a shower of silver dust. Sirius found he could do little more than hiccough, and another bubble formed to take the place of the first.

"Hm." Said Lily, "He must have been about to say something snarky."

"My snarky comments are my feeble attempt to compensate for my…" but Peter had only read that far before Sirius burped in indignation, and the second bubble burst.

"Should wear off in a few hours, Black. It'll add an interesting element to that hot--what was it--with the unsuspecting female?"

"Private showing?" answered Lily.

"Yes, Private showing. Just don't try to kiss her. I don't know how the--" here Neveah drew her hand from her mouth to mime Sirius spewing bubbles "would react." She smiled. "Better safe than sorry!" She turned to the rest of the group. "Have a nice night."

"Aren't you glad you stopped?"

"Yes, Lily, I am."

"Can we go do something productive now?"

"Oh, I don't know. I think this was a fairly productive endeavor."

Another comic bubble erupted from Sirius' lips.

Lily laughed. "Fine. Can we go, _now_?"

"Yes. I think that last one was my favorite."

And the two girls turned on their heels and headed up to the girls' dormitory.

As soon as they had left, James, Remus and Peter all turned toward Sirius, whose lips were now moving so quickly that the bubbles were popping before they were fully formed, spewing bits of glittering dust into the air.

"Gross. Can you try to keep your fairy dust to yourself?" James brushed a few flakes off of his robes. "And you complain about _me_ not being manly."

Four heads looked upward as a bubble took shape. "I deserve every bit of this, because I have dung for brains and--"

The bubble popped and another inflated. "Even though--" His speech bubble trailing behind him, Sirius lunged forward and smacked James over the head with his wand. Red sparks showered them all.

"Ouch! Okay, Okay. I get the point." James readied his own wand. "Whaddya reckon, Moony?"

"I've never seen anything like it. Definitely advanced charm work. Almost looks like a--"

"Convoluted bubblehead?"

Remus smiled. "Read my mind, Prongs. Still, I'm not sure how. We might as well try a few things…"

Sirius spouted another bubble, and Peter's eyes scrunched together. "What will happen if you do the wrong countercurse?"

"Could take off his head," shrugged James. "Good thing we know where the hospital wing is."

After a good quarter of an hour of James and Remus double-teaming it, Sirius' speech seemed to be back to normal.

"Well it's about damn time!" he croaked, still spraying a stray sparkle or six.

Remus rolled his eyes. "You're welcome."

Sirius ignored him and stared at the staircase to the girls' dormitory. "I have got to have that girl."

"Um, Padfoot. I don't think it's lookin' too good for ya there."

"Don't worry. She'll come back. They always do."

"I wouldn't bet on it."

"No?"

"That wasn't a challenge. And you only want her because you can't have her."

Sirius backed up. He blinked. "You, uh, want to rethink that, Prongs?"

"No. No, I don't."

"Don't you think your throwing some stones there?" James said nothing. "Projecting your own glass house insecurities onto me, perhaps?"

"No, I'm--Lily is _not_ the same as your _girls_." Red slowly crept up James' face.

Remus looked between James & Sirius. "Perhaps _now_ would be a good time to shut up, Padfoot." Peter nodded in agreement.

"Not a chance, Moony."

"Proving once again that your mouth is bigger than your brain…"

"How right you are, Moony. Have I mentioned that _your_ brain is unusually developed?"

"Not enough, no."

"Your brain," James repeated, staring straight at Sirius, "is unusually developed, Moony."

Sirius stared back. "I just spoke self-deprecating fish for the last half hour. Do you really think that's going to faze me?"

"Yeah. Good point."

"What about Eleanor?"

"Who?"

"Giggle-girl," James clarified.

"Oh. Her."

"Did you ever really intend to meet her?"

"Moony, Moony, Moony. I'm offended. … Of course not."

"Speaking of meeting her, where are Dragon and Troll?"

"Bless you?"

James blushed. "The mice. They're called Dragon and Troll."

Sirius popped his lips. "Yeah. I see that. Very menacing, the little meeces. Although the whole stupid part fits with Troll. "

"You just used them to flirt for an hour--you can't insult them now."

"Excuse me. I do not flirt. I entice. I charm. I _devastate_."

"You definitely devastated Neveah. Practically swooning over you, she was."

"It's only a matter if time, Moony. Her outward--"

"Loathing?"

"--Teasing is only a mask for her raging love for me."

"Found them!" called James, dropping the mice into a new pen before turning to Sirius. "By that logic, Lily should be ravishing me nightly," he mumbled miserably.

"She will, Prongs. Be patient."

"I dunno. I really screwed up. She hates me." Silence followed this statement. It was a tad too serious for the present conversation.

"No way." The hope that flashed in James' eyes led Sirius to elaborate. "She's insulting you again. Defintiely several steps up from not speaking to you."

James shrugged.

"A few steps up from frowning at you. And a giant step ahead of shooting death-stares across the dungeons."

"Yeah I guess."

"_I_ don't guess. I know." James smiled half-heartedly. "Now," spoke Sirius, clapping his hands together, "back to me."

His three co-conspirators groaned.

"Fine, fine! We don't have to talk about me. We can discuss my brilliant plan of action involving two mice, a girl's dressing gown, and James' specks."

"Er…"

"Relax, Jamsie. You'll get them back."

Two hours later, James, and Sirius stood before Professor McGonagall. Peter had managed to watch the whole thing from a nook behind one of the suits of armor and escaped detection in the chaos. The three had agreed to keep Remus' name out of things, as he was a school Prefect. "To keep an in with the higher-ups" as Sirius liked to say.

"I daresay it will come as no surprise that you both will be serving a detention--Separate detentions, Black.

"Although that was admittedly a--nice--bit of transfiguration, Potter, the entire stunt was beyond inappropriate." She sniffed, James presumed, to hide her smile.

"Poor Miss Grahm, on her way back from completing her astronomy assignment…" McGonagall straightened up. "In the excitement, she attempted to protect herself from your--creation--and instead hexed off Miss Zelski's hair. This is not the time to go around surprising people in the middle of the night."

The boys stared at the floor, attempting to look properly ashamed. They did a fair job, as they had had quite a bit of practice.

"You may go back to your common room. I will send along notice of your detentions later in the week--you're well-used to the procedure, I daresay.

"Potter, I believe these belong to you?"

James squinted at the red, green, and blue tower blob before him. Another step forward showed a glint of silver. "Oh. Yeah. Thanks." But when he reached out, he felt two distinct pieces. His attempt to put the snapped frames on his face led to both circles collapsing into his nose. One of the lenses was shattered.

Sirius put an arm around him to steer him out. As soon as they were out of earshot of McGonagall's office, James rounded on him, awkwardly squinting through the remaining glass of his lenses.

He raised an eyebrow at Sirius and did his best to look fierce with bits of mangled wires hanging off his face.

"What?" said Sirius. "I said you would get them back. I never said they would be in one piece."

James' eyes narrowed.

Sirius tapped James' broken frames with his wand. "Reparo. There. I don't want you claiming any disadvantage later." And he took off up the stairs toward Gryffindor tower, James in hot pursuit.

Peter and Remus sat in the common room, waiting for the completion of their quartet. A bang sounded from somewhere outside the portrait hole. Pete & Remus turned to look at each other.

"I'll do it." Peter rose and pushed open the portrait hole. Just as he did so, Sirius leapt past him and into the common room. James was right behind until his toe got caught and he performed an involuntary somersault, landing in a heap at Peter's feet.

Sirius tilted his head. "That's hot, Prongs."

"Shut it," James muttered as he unwound his limbs and casually brushed himself off.

A distant giggle halted the bickering that was about to begin.

"I--uh--" Sirius looked frantically around the common room. A stair up the girls' dormitory creaked. Sirius bolted and threw himself behind a couch. A few late-studiers glanced his way.

Just as the lace in his trainer disappeared, Eleanor hopped off the last step. She looked around, frowned, then chose to approach James.

"Hi. Have you seen Sirius?"

"Um. He has a--thing. He's --ill. An illness thing. " Remus could be seen shaking his head.

Far from being deterred, Eleanor only giggled and James shuddered. "I'm sure I can make him feel better."

"Probably not." James was struck by sudden inspiration. "He has some nasty looking mouth fungus. Very catching."

A muffled cry sounded from somewhere behind a certain red sofa.

"Oh. Okay then."

"Should we tell him you were asking for him?"

"Erm…No. That's alright. I'll just be going to bed now."

"G'night!" waved Peter cheerily as a ruffled Miss Murphy took the dormitory steps two at a time.

As soon as she was out of sight, Sirius popped his head over the arm of the couch. "Really, Prongs? Mouth fungus? I have a reputation to protect."

James just smirked. "Now, we're even."

Sirius stared. "I didn't like her anyway." He smacked his lips and gazed at his crew. "I'm hungry. Anyone fancy a biscuit? Got a few upstairs…"

The exclamations of disgust positively exploded from James, Remus, and Peter.

"What? I was only joking. Biscuits were not meant to be saved for later. Especially the kind with the bottom dipped in chocolate."

"Okay, Padfoot," James patted him on the back. "We'll get you some nice biscut-wiscuts with a ittle bit of chocolate on them. Accio cloak." His hand disappeared for a second as the material from his invisibility cloak collided with it.

"Maybe," began Remus, "seeing as how you were just caught, venturing out again isn't the best idea…"

"Relax, Moony," James dismissed him as he and Sirius headed for the portrait hole. "We'll be back in a jiffy. Ooh," he turned to Sirius. "Maybe a biscuit or two will help cure that nasty mouth fungus of yours--"

Sirius simply stuck out his hand. James staggered sideways into the wall and ricocheted off the portrait hole.

Sirius stepped through first, a smug grin positively lighting up his already handsome face. "I win!"


	3. Contesting

Finally, James gets his revenge. Sort of.

This is dedicated to Irrelevancy, whose comments inspired a certain bet and the results, and Padfoot, who happily shoves cupcakes down her throat like it's nobody's business.

**Why We Are Awesome**

_By Padfoot and Prongs_

~*~

**Contesting**

Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter sat in the populated Gryffindor common room, huddled around a paper box. A paper box they had just rescued from the Hogwarts kitchens with the help of James' favourite family hand-me-down.

"This was the best idea you've had, Wormtail."

"Yep," chirruped Sirius, "just the thing for a rainy day." Sirius finished off his sentiment by sticking his finger into the box and slowly lapping off the powdered sugar coating that resulted. "Mmmm."

"Nice, Padfoot. _I_ wanted that one."

"Stop whining. There's plenty. I'm sure you could find another delicious, raspberry crème filled delight lightly dusted with powdered sugar."

James punched him in the arm.

"Besides, I thought you'd said you wanted a coconut one."

"I do. And a jelly one. And one of those kind with the chocolate on top and the little--" Sirius held up a hand, and James knew it would be better to just shut up for the time being.

"My point _exactly_. How are you going to eat that many doughnuts, even if they are finger-sized? It can't be done."

"Oh, ho ho! It most certainly can!" James leaned over the doughnut box. "Do I detect a challenge?"

"No challenge. It can't be done by your skinny arse. My extremely toned, well loved, arse on the other hand…" As if to show off his impressiveness, Sirius somehow managed to both recline in the wingback chair and make it look as if it wasn't causing a pain in his anterior region.

It worked, rather well, because fourth-year Andrea Bernley wandered over with a few friends and boldly perched herself on the edge of the chair, giggling at her own brashness.

"You're just scared that someone might actually kick your--tail."

Sirius snorted, which caused him to finally notice Miss Bernley, who had been incessantly flipping her hair since before sitting next to him. "You're just in time," he winked up at Andrea. "to see me beat the pants--or should I say antlers?--off of little Jamsie-poo in contest number one hundred and--four? One hundred and-four."

Peter glanced sideways at Remus. "This means we're not going to get to eat a doughnut, doesn't it?"

"Uh huh."

"Thought so."

Sirius withdrew his wand with a flourish and flicked it toward the box. The doughnuts automatically began to separate themselves onto two plates. "I'm partial to the éclairs myself, but got to make sure things are fair. I don't want you claiming after the carnage that the type of doughnut impacted the results."

"I like the glazed." As he said this, Remus nodded and even threw in a wink for good measure.

"Yeah, you would," Sirius dismissed him.

"You just remember you said that when things don't go your way." James, who, in an attempt to look detached and uncaring had taken to examining the ridges in his fingernails, hadn't heard a word Remus said.

"Bring it, kneazle licker."

James pulled his pile of doughnuts closer and scooted forward on his chair. "Set the rules, Moony."

"And I don't even get a doughnut…"

"What?"

"Nothing-I mean, fine." He took a deep breath. "The person who eats the most doughnuts--"

"In one minute," Sirius interjected.

James' head shot to attention, but the mocking challenge in Sirius' eyes kept him from objecting. Sort of. "One minute ten."

Sirius smirked, but nodded.

"One minute _ten_ wins the spoils of having the looser engage in the prearranged humiliation of his choice." By this time, the majority of the common room had abandoned any attempts at catching up on homework, playing gobstones, or staring listlessly out of the window.

Remus conjured two slips of parchment and two quills. James and Sirius snatched them out of the air. Sirius began scribbling immediately, but James licked the end of his quill and stared into the unknown for a few seconds before he set to scribbling himself.

Despite James' late start, the boys finished at the same time. Both handed their parchment to Remus and their quills to Peter.

Remus sniffed and squinted at the slips before him. Whether it was for show or from trying to decipher some pretty interesting handwriting, the onlookers would never know.

~*~

Lily sat with Neveah and Laurel Anderson at one of the smaller study tables. Her books were open, but she had read the same line five times now. It was no good.

"It's disgusting. You'd think it was some sort of sacred ceremony, what with the way they're all carrying on."

"Here she goes again," muttered Neveah.

"And Remus. Really. He has too much sense to fall into this--this--"

"Male-bonding activity?"

"Disrupting display of disgusting dim-wittedness."

"Wow. Nice alliteration."

"Thanks."

"Slightly less impressive because you tried."

~*~

"Ready. Right then…On my wand…"

Sirius sniggered.

Remus shot off green sparks which formed a working time clock, and James and Sirius began.

Sirius' arms shot out, pulled back a doughnut at slingshot speed and shoved the entire thing in his mouth. Not even pausing to brush the powder off his palm, he snatched another two, this time chocolate, and pushed them into his mouth.

James, on the other hand, was eating each doughnut in halves. Taking time to chew while Sirius swallowed the things whole, James was a good doughnut and a half behind.

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched as Lily moved with her friends to join the circle of onlookers that had surrounded the dueling doughnut eaters. James forgot his plan for a moment and stuffed an entire confection in his mouth. Half-way through chewing, he gulped. He forced himself to believe that the true way to impress Lily would be to win, and to win he must slow down. James picked up an éclair. _As if I could impress her._ He paused, the tip of the pastry in his mouth.

"Acting out some secret fantasy, James?" came a voice from behind him.

James half-choked.

"Really, Frank. Is that necessary?"

Frank chuckled, and James ignored him, taking a bite of the waiting éclair. He looked at his numbers. Five behind. Better than expected, but he would still never catch up. He hoped his plan would work.

Polishing off his seventh, James continued to eat. "Thirty seconds," warned Remus. James glanced at Sirius.

"Mweh ah hawhuhcup, wongs?" grunted Sirius through a mouth full of doughnut.

"Huh?"

Sirius swallowed. "Feeling at a loss?" In went a handful of doughnuts. "Wanuh gih ubp?"

Having understood both statements, but just wanting to make life difficult for his friend, James screwed up his eyes as he munched on the remnants of doughnut nine. "Yeah. I didn't get that."

"Fifteen," interjected Remus.

James glanced worriedly at the clock. He had to pack away at least fifteen doughnuts to be considered legit. Five more left him three seconds to eat each. That was not nearly enough time.

For the eleventh, he chose a jam-filled option; they were easier to eat in one gulp. A bit of the jam squirted out of the corner of his mouth.

"Hawt, Pwons."

James did his best to ignore Sirius, who was somehow managing to fit three pastries in his mouth at a time. Sirius chomped as fast as he could manage, barely leaving enough time to chew.

"Ten," shouted Remus.

James chewed frantically.

"Nine!" chorused the crowd.

James had two and a half more to go, but he was fairly certain that Sirius had cleared twenty awhile back.

"Eight!"

Sirius had to be swallowing them whole; there was just no other way. He was positively inhaling them.

"Seven!"

James crammed a cherry one into his mouth.

"Six!"

Sirius smirked as James half-choked on the cakey crumbs.

"Five!"

James frantically wished that they had written a drink of pumpkin juice into the rules somewhere.

"Four!"

Sirius licked his fingers, making a loud splooching sound that brought about a round of cheers from the guys and a chorus of 'ewwws' from a group of fourth year girls.

"Three!"

James looked down. He could so it. One and a half doughnuts in three seconds.

"Two!"

"Oh shite!"

Sirius smiled and placed two glazed confections in each cheek so that he looked like some bizarre convolution of a grey squirrel.

"One!"

"Ywor fwimist, pwons." He shoved one in the middle.

James looked at Sirius and at the seriously decimated pile of doughnuts remaining on the table. Without thinking, he slammed his face into a pile hanging slightly on the edge. Sirius, sensing James' intention, reached toward the very same stack.

"Mother f--!"

"--Time!" The room chorused.

"And counters?" Called Remus, waving his wand. A 14.2 appeared near James head, while a round 36 materialised over Sirius'. Laughter rippled around the room. James' attempt looked pitiful next to his friend's. Still, his plan _could_ work. Maybe. He just wished he had managed a round fifteen.

Sirius jumped to his feet and the onlookers burst into applause. Always dignified, Sirius took a few bows…before letting out an ear-splitting whoop.

"Really no surprise there, Jamsie." He turned to Remus and Peter. "Did I not tell him that I would seriously crush him?"

"Seriously?" laughed Pete. "Yes, you did."

"And I should get extra points for this foul. Right here." He stuck out his hand and pointed. "Those, Prongs, are your teeth marks."

James leaned in slightly. "I'd say it's an improvement."

"You're just pouting because I've… WON! WHOOHOOOO!" Sirius danced around the circle. "I've won. I've won. I've won."

James smiled. The dance consisted mainly of jumping. A lot of jumping.

"I've won. You lost, and I've wuhn."

James stood. "Aren't you forgetting something, mate?"

"Forgetting that I've won? Nope. Not a chance. The only thing that I'm less likely to forget is your measly 10 doughnuts." He erupted into laughter.

"It was 14. Point 2," argued James, blushing slightly.

"Same thing," shrugged Sirius.

"You're right, Padfoot, who am I to argue with your power?"

"That's right."

"You've won." James did his best to imitate Sirius' dancing.

"I've won. And…" began Sirius, sniffing, "your dance skills are about as good as your doughnut eating ones."

"Why don't you show me how it's done, then, oh great one," bowed James.

"I will. You have to go with the words. Like this. I've wuhun. I've won. I've wuhuhnnnnn!" Mini conversations and random dance parties broke out along the crowd.

~*~

Except where Lily Evans & Neveah Harper stood.

"I don't get it," said Lily. "What about that--" she pointed at Sirius' bobbing around the common room, "inspires other people to dance?"

"You're biased," replied Neveah immediately.

"Maybe, but--"

"Oh c'mon, Lily. Isn't it just a little bit…"

"No, Laurel, it's not. And I would expect more from you."

Laurel rolled her eyes, followed by her hips. "Doesn't it make you want to dance?"

"Nope."

She shimmied closer to Lily. "Not even just a little bit?" She turned, practically on top of her friend.

"No--get away." Lily shoved her back, but she was smiling.

"Poor James. He didn't do very well, did he?"

Lily snorted. "They took it upon themselves to do--this. No sympathy. I have no sympathy for either of them."

Neveah ignored Lily, and answered Laurel. "I dunno. The five minutes isn't up yet."

"He'll make it. He's Sirius Black, after all."

"I don't know…" countered Lily, watching his celebratory dancing go from enthusiastic to vigorous.

"Did I hear someone taking bets?"

"Frank, do not even think about it."

"We were just about to. Care to join in?"

"NO, he does not."

"Alice, I have to."

"What do you mean you have to?"

"C'mon Alice," whined Laurel. It's just a harmless little bet."

"Fine. I'll even put in for it. _If_ Lily does."

All heads turned in her direction. Lily groaned. "Why…? Don't you think there were enough bets today to hold us for a while?" Neveah smiled. Laurel batted her eyes. Alice just shrugged sympathetically. "Oh fine. Let's do the thing properly then." She conjured a hat.

"Great!" whispered Frank. "Five sickles each."

"We'd better hurry. There's only a minute left."

"Has he really been dancing all this time…?"

"Who's taking who…?"

~*~

James eyed the clock nervously. There were only forty-five seconds left, and Sirius hadn't even broken a sweat. He, on the other hand, was practically dripping. The Gryffindor common room had all but transformed into a disco, with Sirius as the mirror ball.

No one was even paying attention to the clock. They had all already considered Sirius the winner. James steeled himself for the finality of true defeat. It was worse, because his performance had been so miserable compared to his friend's. If only his plan had worked, he wouldn't have to try to live this down for the next…few weeks until another bet popped up.

And he was beginning to wonder what exactly Sirius had written on his little piece of paper.

"Ehem. Ehem. Oi!" The room fell silent. "It is time," Sirius began, before letting out a huge belch, "to discuss the consequences. Remus?" He held out his hand." The laughter that had broken out at Sirius' gaseous emission from the oral orifice vanished immediately.

'It's sick,' thought James, glaring at the onlookers. 'They had all seen this before and were salivating over the prospect of seeing it again.' "Not yet," he interrupted. "There's still… 28, 27 seconds

left."

"Can't admit defeat, this one. But it's fine. I'll--" Sirius froze, his hand outstretched.

A slow smile spread over James' face. "What's the matter, Sirius? You're looking a little--green. Perhaps a doughnut would help. There's an éclair left. I know how the heavy crème and smooth chocolate smothered pastries are your favourite." Not sure if it was entirely within the rules, James picked up the plate and offered it to Sirius. "Have one."

James could see him fighting, but it was too late.

The crowd took a step back as Sirius spewed spectacularly in the direction of the doughnut plate. Remus deftly conjured a bin to catch it, but some of the sick managed to splatter on Peter's hand. He had reached toward the plate in the hope of rescuing one lonely doughnut to eat before Sirius fouled them all. It turned out to be a waste, because James dropped the plate and withdrew his hand at the first sign of red and yellow speckled vomit.

"Balls," sighed Sirius, as he watched Peter frantically scrubbing the sick off his hand. "Five more seconds, and I would have had it. You got lucky, Prongs."

"Luck, please. That was pure skill and intellect."

"Whose did you have to borrow this time?"

"Har har. We'll see whose laughing tomorrow."

"Just give it to me." Sirius batted toward Remus.

"Um. Here, Padfoot. It's… interesting."

Sirius snatched the parchment and began unfolding it.

"There's no need to read it now," James grinned as he recaptured the room's attention before Sirius could read what he now stared at with one eyebrow popped. "You'll all see it tomorrow."

Sirius's head tilted. "You are one sick beast, Prongs."

"East courtyard," James shouted. "Right after lunch."

~*~

The following afternoon in the staff room, the professors discussed the rapid exit of the Gryffindors from the Great Hall. In the end, the consensus was that the phenomenon resulted from an early bout of exam fever, exhibited by an increase in speed eating and frequent dashing up to the common room for books and notes. McGonagall, who had remained silent throughout the debate, left shortly afterward to satisfy the unsettling feeling dancing around in her stomach.

~*~

"Hey. How are you, beautiful. That's right. I saw you checkin' out my tail."

"I don't get it. I just don't get it." James, Remus, and Peter stood huddled in a corner of the east courtyard. James' mouth slackened open in disbelief. "This was not supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be humiliated."

"Let it go, Prongs," replied Remus.

"No. I will not let it go."

"Yellow is definitely your color!" called a fair-haired Hufflepuff as she passed by Sirius.

"Hm. It's apparently yours, too. Should we uh…get together later, after I've molted a bit?"

"Urgh!" James screamed. "He's dressed like a bloody chicken! How is that hot? Will someone please explain to me how that's hot?"

"Well, actually--" began Peter.

"I don't want to know! Why are you justifying it?"

"I didn't...!"

"I don't believe this."

"Please, James. Let it go."

"No. He is not turning this into a win for him."

"Aw. What's the matter, Prongsie-poo? Jealous?" Sirius waddled over to his friends.

"You're wearing a chicken suit," sniffed James. "Why would I be jealous? You look bloody ridiculous."

"Brilliantly ridiculous," corrected Sirius. "Great idea, Prongs, thanks a lot."

"Anytime," James mumbled.

"Ahh," Sirius flexed his chicken wings. "Hafta get back to the ladies. Another thirty minutes to go."

A voice called out across the courtyard, "James!"

Sirius rotated his fluffy orange feet in the direction of "that heavenly voice" and nodded.  
"Harper. How good to see you. Have you come to fawn over my feathers?"

"No, Black. Actually, we--" she reached behind her and yanked Lily forward-- "came to thank James for such inspired entertainment."

"Aw. I was just doing the same thing myself. Our two minds must be one."

"Hah. Hardly. You see, that only works if you have something up their other than doxy droppings. You haven't a chance of keeping up with this." Neveah smile acerbically, gesturing down her body.

"I'd love to try," winked Sirius in that way that most girls found devastatingly charming.

"Al--right then," Lily interrupted. "We also came to thank you, James, for winning the bet, because we won one of our own."

"Twelve sickles and fourteen knuts each," smiled Neveah.

"But, we had an extra knut. Dividing it between the two of us, it came up uneven. So

V--"

"We."

"_We_ thought you deserved it. Since it was due to you that we won." Lily tossed the copper coin into the air.

James barely looked--barely took his eyes off of Lily, but the knut landed in his palm and his fingers closed over it.

Remus poked him.

"Erm. Thanks."

"Sure thing. Potter."

They nodded to Remus and Peter before turning to Sirius. Lily snorted & Neveah let out a deep laugh.

"Bla-ha-ck. That's a good look for you."

"Thanks. Wait!" Sirius turned as the two girls began to walk back toward the castle. "This is for you, Harper. What I think of every time I see you." He drew the point of his wand up to his mouth and blew. A jet of red hot fire issued into the air."

"Thank you, Black. I always take piggish compliments from fire-breathing chickens seriously."

"Wow," Sirius whistled, watching the girls walk away.

"Yeah," sighed James, uncurling his fingers and staring at the copper knut within, "wow."

"Well don't start snogging it."

James whipped his hand with the knut defensively behind his back. "I wasn't!"

"Uh huh."

"Hello, Professor," chirped Remus suddenly.

A learned reaction had James and Sirius whirling around in the direction of their head of house.

"I do not know why Mister Black is dressed as a chicken,"

"Fire-breathing chicken…" James amended proudly, but his correction fell off under McGonagall's gaze.

"As I said. I do not know, why Mr. Black is dressed as such, and frankly, I do not care. I trust, however, that all feathers will be shed and you will be in my Transfiguration class in forty-five minutes time."

"Well, actually, Professor, chickens don't shed. They molt."

"Mister Black," sniffed McGonagall, closing her eyes, presumably to regain her patience, "do not make me put you in detention this week--_again_. Forty-five minutes," she repeated before gliding back into the castle.

"I just realised something," smiled James, interrupting Sirius' 'I've-had-a-near-scrape-but-avoided-detention-again' dance.

"This had better be good, Prongs. You are putting a _serious_ cramp in my dance."

"Lily bet against you. She bet on me."

"A little slow, Prongs?" Peter snorted.

"I was wondering when he'd come around to that," added Remus.

"No…" began Sirius.

"Yes," smiled James. "She thanked me for winning. She won a bet because she bet on me. She bet on me."

"Well dam. Miracles do happen."

"Lily bet on me."

"Okay, Prongs. We heard you the first time."

"On _me_."

"Oi, Lovestruck!"

James narrowed his eyes. "Don't pout because Neveah bet against you."

"I'm not."

"Uh huh."

"Oh, go snog your knut!" threw out Sirius.

"Maybe I will!" James shot back.

"Remus blinked. "Is it me, or did that sound incredibly wrong to you?"

"Erm. I think the second one," replied Peter.

"Yeah. Prongs? I think it's time to get ready for class."

"He can do whatever he wants," James gestured toward Sirius. "I'm satisfied."

"Snogging your knut all alone in your room…"

"Padfoot, please," shuddered Remus, "can't you stop saying that?"

"What? Snogging your knut?"

"Does he get it?" whispered Peter.

Remus leaned in. "Wait for it, wait for it…"

A slow light crept from behind Sirius' eyes and turn his confused mischievous grin into one of pure delight. "Yep. There it is."

"You know, I wouldn't be surprised if Jamsie spent all day snogging his knut."

"Padfoot."

"What? James doesn't seem to mind, do you mate?"

James was too busy trying to find a place to store his gift from Lily. He kept putting it in different places--his robe pocket, his sock--then quickly decided it was unsafe and moved it to yet another spot.

"See? He's in heaven just holding his knut."

"Seriously, mate."

"Yep. Siriusly. And James—he's seriously into his knut. I bet he'll play with it all through class."

"Please."

"Ooh, ooh! Maybe, if he's lucky, Lily will give him some more and then he'll have two knuts!"

"Stop! La la la!"

"What about Lily?" James had finally been distracted.

"Nothing, Prongsie. Nothing. You just go back to fondling your knut."

Remus groaned.

"Is it me, or is it more disturbing because he's dressed like a chicken?" asked Peter.

"Definitely the second one."

James finally seemed to notice that what they were discussing concerned him. "What did you say?"

"Nah, it's always you, Wormy."

"Sirius, what did you say?"

"Nothing Prongs. Take care of your one, solitary knut."

James blinked. "What do you mean by that? Moony, what does he mean by that?"

"Just let it go, Prongs."

"No, I want to know."

"Let's go to class."

"Seriously, guys."

"Nope, that's just me."

"Shove it. Pete will tell me, won't you, Wormtail."

"Nope."

"Peter, my dear, dear friend…"

"Don't do it, Peter. We'll never make it to class if you tell him."

"Why is that, Peter? What are you guys talking about?"

"That's right, Mummy Moony, you worry about getting us to class, and let Prongsie worry about his one, solitary--"

"Padfoot!"

"What are you--? Peter? What was he going to say?"

"Don't answer him, Peter."

"Well…" Peter looked between James and Remus. "He was saying your knut, but he really meant--" Peter bobbed his head suggestively.

That was what James needed. "Padfoot, I am going to kick your fuzzy chicken arse." He launched himself onto the bulbous, feather-adorned Sirius, who tumbled to the ground. Feathers flew into the air as James punched into the soft chicken body, Lily's coin closed tightly in his hand. "How do you like my knuts now?"

"One knut!" shouted Sirius as he rolled them over.

Remus and Peter stood nearby.

"Nice going, Wormtail."

Peter giggled. "Should we stop them?"

"You need to learn that it's best to just let go. Or not start anything in the first place."

"You can't deny it's entertaining."

"I suppose not. But we have class."

"Should we...?"

"Let them go. They're not hurting each other. "

By the time the boys came to their senses, James had ripped out nearly all of Sirius' feathers, which made a kind of down carpet in the courtyard.

"Hey," said James as they sat up. "Can you just, lay off of Lily for a while?"

"I wasn't talking about her, I was insulting you."

"Right, but it was… she gave me.... Look, it's the first really decent interaction we've had in… forever. Can you leave it go?"

"Sure, mate. You realise she called you James, right?"

James froze. "Yeah," he smiled. "Yeah, I guess she did."

"There's hope for you yet, Prongs. I really think the best way to get to her is through Neveah. That girl is--"

James cleared his throat.

"She's--"

James' eyes widened.

"What?"

"McGonagall."

"No. I'm pretty sure she's--OH!"

The boys leapt to their feet and raced to the Transfiguration corridor as fast as Sirius' chicken legs would allow.

They fell into the Transfiguration classroom as the class was splitting up into groups to practice whatever McGonagall had just demonstrated.

"Potter and--Black. I see my earlier discussion had no effect whatsoever. Welcome to class. Finally."

"That's not true, Professor. I believe you said 'all the feathers were to be shed' or something like that. And look!" Sirius did a kind of pirouette. "Almost all the feathers are gone."

"Detention for the both of you. Tonight. With me. Then you can make up what you missed in class."

James looked at Sirius as they walked back to Join Remus and Peter. "Do you have a dance for this one?"

"I'm workin' on it."

The boys sat down.

"Detention," remarked Remus.

"No. No. It's a private lesson. With McGonagall. She said so herself." The corner of Sirius' mouth twitched. When he spoke this time, his voice dropped an octave. "Get it, private lesson's with McGonagall…?"

All the other boys groaned.

A sniff from behind them caused them to drop their voices.

"Sorry, Professor," shrugged Remus. He turned back to Sirius. "That is seriously sick, Padfoot."

"Yes it is," nodded Sirius. "_Siriusly_ sick."

Remus shuddered. "There was a line and you just stomped on it."

"What? What's wrong with private lessons with our favourite Transfiguration teacher?"

"Stop."

"Stop what? Talking about the private lessons that Prongs and I have with the big McG tonight?"

Peter let out an epithet of disgust.

"Leave me out of this, Padfoot."

"What's the matter, Prongs ole pal? You were invited to the private lessons, too."

"There are not private lessons; it's just detention. Shut your face."

"The last one was kinda funny, if carried too far for far too long. This, this is sick and twisted and _un_funny."

"As interesting as your conversation undoubtedly is, I strongly suggest that you return it to Transfiguration if you want to avoid extra homework and another detention."

"Yes, Professor McGonagall," responded Remus immediately. "Sorry."

"Hrm." Sirius stroked his chin as McGonagall strode to the front of the room to look in on the students there. "Remus. That was an interesting response. Have you been having your own private lessons in Transfiguration? I'm not really into the dominatrix thing, but whatever perks up your--"

Remus positively growled. "Sirius!"

"Mr. Lupin. Detention!" Remus cringed.

"Sirius, you are going to die."

"Just helping out my best mate," he winked before turning to--

"Peter, have I ever told you…"


	4. Traitorous

**Disclaimer: **Though mine, not mine. (21 cupcakes to the person who catches the Bard reference.) J.K. Rowling's character's and Thin Lizzy's lyrics. (If you're a huge fan of Thin Lizzy, you'll have to excuse my messing with the timeline a bit-only by a few months, but I thought I'd mention it just in case.)

**A/N:** After I began writing this, it took a completely different direction than I originally planned out... and took quite a bit longer to write. I hope you will forgive me when I tell you it's also quite a bit longer in length. :) Thanks always to Padfoot (_the __estella black_) who gives me last minute instrument colors and names and invents awesome Wizardrock songs faster than you can say Firewhiskey!

Oooh! Oooh! And Happy Belated Birthday to Jo and Harry! Just think, one day and many years ago, James was pulling his hair out while Lily probably threatened to curse off his- :sniff, sniff: ah, the miracles of birth and young love.

**Why We are Awesome**

_By Padfoot and Prongs_

**Traitorousness**

James and Sirius sat huddled together in the northeast corner-if it were possible for a round tower to have them-of the Gryffindor common room. They had sat this way for the past two hours, discussing the traitorous behavior of their third:

"Moony," grumbled Sirius, his eyes darkening, "is a traitorous wench."

James frowned. "Isn't wench a girl thing?"

Sirius turned his head very slowly, for dramatic effect. "Exactly."

"Ooooh. I second it then."

"How, how could he blow us off-"

"For a girl?"

"For any reason." Sirius squinted at James. "You mean to tell me that if Lily walked up to you right now and said she wanted to shag-"

James moaned. "Padfoot, please."

"You wouldn't hop on that train, even if it was on guy's night?"

"I-" James hesitated for a fraction of a second, which gave Sirius the answer he expected.

"I thought so. You boys, constantly following your-"

"Oh. And you wouldn't jump Neveah if she showed up here wearing nothing but her knickers?"

"It depends on what those knickers looked like."

James snorted.

"This isn't about me anyway. It's about Moony."

"Uh huh. Okay then. This isn't about me and Lily, this is about Moony."

"You're right, because there is no you and Lily."

James fisted Sirius in the stomach. "Focus. We were abusing Remus."

"That no-good-trade-my-friends-in-for-a-woman traitor."

"Who, Remus?"

"Pete. You're just I time."

"How was remedial potions?"

"Terrible," shuddered Peter. "But I got higher marks."

"Was it worth it? The extra time with ole Sluggy?"

"I got higher marks."

"Is there an echo in here?" quipped Sirius. "Back to Remus."

"What are we going to do? He ditched us on the most important night of the week. How would he like it if we deserted him on his night of the month?" whispered James.

"Yeah!" replied Peter, a bit too exuberantly.

"Shhh!" Sirius and James hushed.

"Dignity, Wormtail. Abuse is always handed out with an air of dignity," instructed Sirius, curling his hand in the air. "_Ehem_. For example: One, Remus Lupin, has betrayed his deepest, dearest friends at the deepest level." Sirius finished with a flourish and turned over oration to James.

James blinked. "You said deepest twice."

"So."

"So. It sorta ruins the effect."

"Shut your face. Now get on with it."

James hesitated. "You just told me to shut my face. I don't think I can shut my face _and_ get on with it…"

Sirius' eye twitched. He leaned into Peter. "Example number b."

"What?" James asked, blinking.

"James Potter, so obviously overshadowed by my brilliance, cannot hope to understand the level of insult that I am currently throwing in his direction at this moment," Sirius grinned, "telepathically, of course."

Peter blinked before nodding enthusiastically.

"What?" James repeated.

"See what I mean?"

Peter nodded, but James threw his hands into the air. "No, he cannot possibly see what you mean. You make zero sense. And you said 'currently' and 'this moment' in the same sentence."

Sirius just smiled at him.

"You don't need them both. They mean the same thing."

"I love it when he goes nerdy. He thinks he's so smart."

"I'm right."

"It's hot, Prongs, when you think you're right."

"There's no _think_ about it. It's _know_. If you had my mum, you'd know, too."

"Whatever." Sirius shrugged.

"No, not whatever. I'm right."

"Enjoy it while it lasts."

"Ca-"

"Oops, over."

"Sirius," James' eyes narrowed.

"Sorry, mate. Can't be me all the time."

Peter laughed. "Who'd want to be you?"

"Not bad, Wormtail, not bad at all. You're learning."

"Why do-"

"Not quite up to my standards, but mofinkordunk." James' hand kept Sirius from being understood, but not from being heard.

"Why," James asked, "does Peter get to finish his sentences, but I don't?"

"Hehahecoope-"

Jamed interrupted. "Nevermind. It's not important. Can we go back to our original topic?"

"Remus," sighed Peter.

"Remus," warned James, glaring over his hand at Sirius. "Eww!" he cried.

Sirius grinned, sticking out the tongue he had just used to lick James' hand.

"You're a dog."

"No arguments there. Now, back to Remus."

"Finally," remarked James, wiping his hand on his trousers. "The question is, since you obviously can't insult him properly, what are we going to do about it?"

"I'm going to ignore that obvious below the belt remark and amaze you with my brilliance."

"Amaze away," said James as he and Peter leaned in.

"We are going to pull a prank." Sirius' eyes sparkled with excitement and pride.

"Uh. Okay? We do that all the time."

"Sure, Wormtail. But we are not going to pull just any prank. We are going to pull a prank so awesome, so unparalleled, that poor Remus will be kicking himself in the arse for not being around to help with it."

"Or crying because he wasn't around to stop us..."

"Either one. It's not really that important. See, he'll miss us, and finally learn that he should not blow off his friends."

"I like it," declared James.

"Me, too," nodded Peter.

"It's simple..."

"But brilliant. Naturally, because it was my idea."

"Okay. We've established that. Now, what's the prank?"

"See. Do you remember that time last year when Remus..."

Discussing deep into the evening hours, the Marauders minus one solidified their plans for tomorrow's greatest prank. (After all, reasoned Sirius, many of their pranks had achieved all-time greatness. Only time would tell if this would be _the_ greatest.)

* * *

Remus Lupin walked into the Great Hall for breakfast the following morning with what could only be described as a shit grin plastered on his face.

He couldn't help it. Just over twelve hours ago, he had been snogging a girl. Him. Snogging. It had been great. Not that he'd had anything else to compare it to, but he'd certainly heard enough about it from Sirius. According to what he could discern from these conversations, Joanne had done well for herself, despite being a bit on the slobbery side. But hey, who was a werewolf to complain about a little excess saliva?

Which, of course, was the reason he had, up until this point in life, left the miraculous world of making-out undiscovered. He didn't deserve girls, and he couldn't tell any of them about his 'furry little problem,' as James called it, so why bother?

But after an especially safe but fun romp under the moonlight last full moon, he'd been feeling powerful, in-control, almost—dare he think it—normal? And when Joanne had asked him to accompany her to the library for a late-night study session (no, really, they _did_ start out studying) he'd found himself saying yes.

All this was not without price, however. The high from being asked out, even if it was only a study date, made him forget about the most important night of the week—guy time. Sirius called it Siriusly Important Macho Male Time.

He hadn't wanted to tell them, but it had gotten out shortly before he snuck off to the library. That's what he got for having clever and popular friends.

So when he'd arrived late last night to find them all sleeping like the proverbial babies, he couldn't believe his luck. He wasn't so naïve as to think that he could escape torment today, however.

That is why, as he walked toward the Gryffindor table, he tried to train the smile adorning his face into a frown. E for effort, to be sure, but perhaps a D for the outcome.

That's why it shocked him so much when he sat down without a resounding chorus of 'thieves, traitors, and murderers.'

"Morning, Moony," chirped James, shoveling a forkful of eggs into his mouth.

"M—morning?" answered Remus.

"Pleasant evening? You arrived rather late into the night," added Sirius, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Peter chuckled, spitting out a few crumbs of scone as he did so. This all seemed normal, if a bit odd.

"Uh, yeah. I did," answered Remus, wishing he could figure out why things seemed just a tad off. Why weren't they teasing him?

"Did you cop a feel?" whispered Sirius, leaning in, his eyes glistening. This, was more like Sirius, to be sure, but nine times out of ten, he wouldn't bother with the volume control.

The other boys leaned in, waiting for an answer. James looked like Lily had just waved him hello, and Peter was positively panting.

"Uh, I have to go—study before Transfiguration," Remus said before jumping up and fleeing the claustrophobic aura his friends currently gave off.

A soon as Remus' robe flicked out of sight, James, Sirius, and Peter burst into tears of laughter.

"I can't wait unti—"

"Shhh!" shushed Sirius. "We don't want to give anything away." Peter nodded solemnly at the reminder.

"Do you think he noticed anything?" asked James earnestly.

"He'd have to be a moron not to," came a rich voice from down the table.

Sirius smiled wickedly. "Harper! Whatever do you mean?"

"Oh don't even," Neveah snorted, "you were just talking about some plan you cooked up. So what is it?"

"Okay, here it is, but you have to promise not to tell a living soul." Peter choked on his pumpkin juice. James simply smirked, shoveling another forkful of eggs into his mouth, preparing to enjoy the show. "Nope strike that. You can't even tell your teddy."

"Not a problem," Neveah assured him, "I never had a teddy. I'm more of spiky dragon sort of girl."

"Oh," replied Sirius. "I like a girl with some kick."

Neveah frowned. "Focus, Black, focus."

"I am, I promise," Sirius quipped, leaning on the Gryffindor table.

"So... the plan?

"Right. First, you," grinned Sirius, "are going to pass me that pumpkin juice."

"Excuse me?"

"Then," Sirius continued, "You can go back to the prefect party and tell them to mind their own business, because if we were planning anything, we would not be stupid enough to shout about it in the great hall."

It took James ten seconds to realize that Neveah was, in fact, acting as a spy, and Lily was most-likely a part of the 'prefects.' "Hey!" he protested, finally.

"Keep your knickers on, Prongsie." Sirius turned to James, waving a piece of half-eaten toast at him.

"I'm not a moron Black, I know you're-"

"Now, now, Harper. I'm not finished yet," Sirius interrupted. " Next, you're going to snog me, in front of all the people you know and love. You may choose to do it now, here in the great hall. It's a good as time as ever."

Neveah was silent for a moment. James, an expert on very feisty women, understood this to be a rather bad sign, and scooted back to the edge of his bench.

"What did you say number one was? Pass you some pumpkin juice?"

Sirius smiled. James wanted to warn him, but he knew the time was past. "Yeah, and give me a lot. I like to fill things up."

"Is that supposed to be some convoluted sexual reference?"

Did you take it that way?" Sirius asked, leaning in with that lift in his eyebrow he so prided himself on.

"Yes," answered Neveah, hefting a pitcher of pumpkin juice off of the table. "I did." And with that, she tilted the pitcher, slowly pouring juice all down the front of Sirius' robes. "Is that full enough for you?" she asked, smiling sweetly.

"Well, blinked Sirius, examining the damage, "I usually like to put it in something, but-"

Very suddenly, as if he had contracted the plague, James began forcibly hacking up his third lung, cutting off Sirius.

"Urgh!" Neveah groaned before stomping out of the great hall. A fraction of a second later, Lily rose and followed, hissing a "What did you say to her, now!" as she passed.

As he watched Lily's flaming hair whip around the corner, James rounded on Sirius. "What was that about?"

"Prongs, I just took one for the team," announced Sirius.

"What you did was piss them off."

"So?"

"So, how am I ever going to get a date with Lily if you keep insulting her best friend?"

"How are you ever going to get a date with Lily if you keep being you?"

"I—what?"

"Ladies like a real man, a man's man," nodded Sirius, flexing his muscles. "Not all this pansy stuff." He waved a hand at James.

"I-" James began, his eyes narrowing. Then, very suddenly, he relaxed. "You know what, I am a pansy. However, I'm a pansy who knows his girl."

"Not your girl."

"Not the point."

"Then what would be the point, James?" Peter leaned forward, joining his friends who panted at each other across the table.

"The point would be, your 'taking one for the team' was useless. This will only make them more suspicious. We'll have to watch our backs."

"That's what you're so worried about? Merlin, you are going soft. We always have to watch our backs, isn't that right, Wormtail?"

"Right, Padfoot. We're experts at back watching."

"Uh, right. But if they find out..."

"First of all, how could they? No one could possibly conceive such as brilliant concept such as we have dreamed up."

"Right," nodded Peter. "We are the Marauders. "No one can top us."

"So there, Prongsie. Everything will be all right." Sirius patted the air as if it were the top of James' head. "You can go back to your knitting now."

James narrowed his eyes, but did not respond. "Besides, continued Sirius, they're not even concerned about it. I'm sure Neveah just wanted to talk to me. You need to face the facts, Prongs, Lily's every move does not revolve around you."

"You know," James sniffed, standing up and picking up a spoonful of egg. "I"m sorry you said that." James brought the spoon back and flung the eggs right into Sirius' face before rocketing out of the great hall as fast as he could.

Sirius blinked for a moment, composed, before scrambling over his own feet after James. While attempting to extricate himself from the school bench, his foot caught in the strap of his bag, his knee slipped off of the bench thanks to his sodden robes and he dove, face first, onto the stone floor with a resounding O_of_!.

A few people from the nearby tables laughed as Sirius rose & dusted himself off. "Dignity," commented Peter. "Always remember dignity. And Uh, you'd better change your robes before Transfiguration. You're dripping."

"Thanks, Pete. I hadn't noticed they were covered in pumpkin juice. Whatever would I do without your astute powers of observation."

"Go wet?"

"That, mate, is something I can do all own my own, winked Sirius before wrapping his arms tightly around Peter. "Now you're wet!" And with those wise words, Sirius Black dashed out of the great hall.

Up at the staff table, Professor McGonagall sighed politely over her morning coffee. "Always a scene with that group, isn't it." She couldn't be sure, but Minerva thought she heard Dumbledore chuckle. "They seem to be up to something, Headmaster."

"My dear Minerva, how many times have I asked you to call me Albus? We're colleagues now."

"Too gracious as always," answered the professor, still uncomfortable calling the Headmaster by anything else. "I can't help feeling that they're up to something."

Once again, Albus Dumbledore chuckled slightly under his breath. "I see you are developing the seventh sense of a teacher."

"What should we do about it?"

"Do, Minerva? About what?"

"Mr. Black and Mr. Potter and Mr. Pettigrew? What if they do indeed have some... shenanigans planned?"

"Well then, I daresay it will be a very eventful evening."

"But-"

"Suspicious as their actions may be, Minerva, I'm afraid we are sorely lacking any evidence."

"Did you not just tell me about the seventh sense?"

"Yes. While that can be very useful, sometimes it is better to—what is the saying?-let the cauldron blow up in their faces. Students learn much from experience, as you told me, if my memory serves me correctly—and it very often does- in your interview."

Minerva McGonagall disagreed with the headmaster, but she still blushed in spite of herself.

"Everyone ready for this brilliance?" whispered Sirius as he, James and Peter bounced into the great hall for dinner.

Remus was lagging behind; he'd been avoiding the trio all day, as a matter of fact. But Sirius had bribed a third year with some firewhiskey to make sure the fourth Marauder would be at least within earshot of the Great Hall. What? He was not above corrupting youth. In fact, he made it a regular practice.

"He knows," hissed James.

Peter glanced furtively in either direction. "How do you know?"

"I just do," James shrugged. "I know Remus."

Sirius dismissed the worrying with a wave of his hand. "Everyone knows. But they don't _know_."

"Wow," James rolled his eyes. "Sometimes, when you talk, your words make less sense than your face."

"That's easy to understand," replied Sirius with a wink, "with such a devastatingly handsome face as this, I myself hardly know how anything stands up beside it."

James rolled his eyes and mumbled something like 'of course.'

"Especially you, Prongsie."

"Har har."

"Now, let's get down to it. I can practically hear the students of Hogwarts screaming my name."

"I thought that was just the girls." Both boys turned to look at Peter.

James grinned, picking up easily. "Unless you have something you'd like to share?"

"Oh, Wormtail," sobbed Sirius, wiping at fake tears, "I'm so proud. But next time," he continued, his voice returning to its normal register, "take the mickey out of Prongs."

"But, Padfoot," James smiled, "you're just too easy."

"If that were true, even you'd be getting some of this."

"That's not what you said last night."

"Ooh, that was private, Prongsie. Not in front of the kids."

James rolled his eyes.

"Now," Sirius clapped his hands and rubbed them together deviously, it's just about time... Carefully, carefully," he whispered as they sat at the Gryffindor table to giant pans of shepherd's pie and some kind of roast of the bird variety. They boys loaded they're plates.

After all, as Sirius had said, they didn't want to appear suspicious.

"Do you think-" Peter began.

Sirius cut him off immediately with some waves of his hand. "Sh sh sh sh sht! Eat, Wormtail, eat."

To make his point further, Sirius picked up a roll and shoved it into Peter's mouth.

An uncharacteristic silence fell over the table as the three boys began inhaling as much food as possible.

"The moon is coming out of the clouds! I repeat: The moon is coming out of the clouds!" Sirius' urgent whisper caused a shower of mashed potato to fall over the others' plates.

James promptly set down the forkful of beef he had halfway to his mouth, looking down at it with disgust.

"Pete! What are you doing with that roll in your mouth? We've got a sighting!"

Peter began his protest, but it was drowned out by the sheer amount of bread in his mouth. "Could you at least attempt to control the food projectiles?" James asked Sirius in disgust.

Sirius ignored him and took a large swig of pumpkin juice to wash down his full mouth. James muttered into his own goblet, and Peter followed suit.

Sirius then took up his whispering again. "Almost full. I repeat: the moon is almost full."

"Yeah, we see him, thanks," James grumbled.

"Wormtail, you're it, buddy," said Sirius.

Peter, thrilled at one of his few chances to be the spark for a Marauder prank, shouted to the approaching Remus in a voice at an octave higher than his usual one. "Guess who just got back today?"

James stood up in response, gesturing at Remus. "That wild-eyed boy that had been away."

"Haven't changed, have much to say," chorused James and Peter. A wide-eyed Remus inched his heel backward, only to run into Sirius.

"But man, I still think that wolf's crazy!" Remus practically choked as Sirius pushed him forward into a hastily conjured chair.

With another wave of his wand, A black electric guitar materialized in his hands.

"They were asking if you were around, how you was, where you could be found.

Told them you were living downtown, driving all the old birds crazy!" As he finished out the verse, Sirius jumped on the table, scattering dishes of potato and roast onto the floor of the great hall. The extra clattering of gold dishes called forth the attention of the students at the far tables. By this time, nearly the entire great hall had turned their attention to the shaggy haired rocker.

The moment James and Peter managed to climb on top of the table, glitter confetti began falling in between the floating candles of the great hall.

The voices, magically magnified, boomed through the great hall, creating vibrations felt at the staff table.

"The boys are back in town!

The boys are back in town!

I said,

the boys are back in town

The boys are back in town!"

Suddenly, the volume returned to a more normal level, although, as everyone in the great hall could still hear the Marauder's music, none of the quartet was overly-concerned (or in Remus' case, overly relieved).

Minerva McGonagall crossed the Great hall in about 2.5 seconds to stand, glaring at Sirius Black. Sirius accepted this, as he rightly appeared to be the ringleader of this brilliance.

One could almost say he projected an air of pride. What he did next, would live forever in the memories of the Hogwarts students present and one Albus Dumbledore, lover of music.

Looking McGonagall directly in the eye, Sirius pointed a finger at her. It was at this point that the other Marauders recognised that they might soon be subdued by force. With a smirk, Sirius belted, "You know that chick-"

And that's all the farther he got. Without so much as a squeal, the guitar music cut off, and Sirius recognised that he might have taken just one too many steps over the line. Just to be safe, he executed three silent guitar riffs, the black hair that made girls swoon falling into his face. With that, he put up a hand to wave hello at the crowd, wink at a few of the lovely ladies, and cue James and Peter to join him in a bow. Remus was trying to roll his eyes and blink away the sweat falling into them.

"Black, Potter, Pettigrew, follow me!" McGonagall barked, somehow managing to make herself heard over the mad applause.

"Erm, Professor?" ventured Remus quietly. Stunned, McGonagall turned to Remus. Sometime during the song, the chair Remus had been steadily sinking into began to swallow him. Sirius beat her to it, freeing Remus from his wooden shackles with the wave of his wand. For a moment, the werewolf appeared; Remus looked positively rabid, but all of them knew the pretty boy Prefect wouldn't attack in front of a teacher.

"Yes, Mr. Lupin, you too."

Heads held high as if heading toward their executions, the Marauders marched out of the Great Hall and into the office of their Head of House.

* * *

One long chastisement, four double detentions, and two guy tussles later, all four Marauders sat in the nonexistent corner of the Gryffindor common room.

Remus shook his head. "I still can't believe McGonagall gave me detention too."

"That's what you get, denying guy time for a _girl_." Sirius slowly stroked the strings of his guitar.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll never do it again."

"I mean we would have come to your rescue, telling Minerva that you most certainly were not a decoy to make the plot of the song more interesting, but an unsuspecting victim—but of course, at that time, we couldn't be sure of your loyalties to the group. Your dearest friends in the _world_ who would do _anything_ for you-"

"Yes, Sirius, thank you. I get it." Remus shook his head. " I still can't believe you changed the lyrics."

James eyes ventured between the two, wondering if another fight would break out. More than anything else, Remus had reacted badly to Sirius more-or-less announcing to the whole world that Remus was a crazy wolf."

"I told you, _Moony_, no one but the four of us—and Dumbledore-" he conceded, "had any idea at all. They were too caught up in my almost angelic voice, my stunning good looks, my beautiful accomplice here," he trailed off, stroking his guitar fondly.

"Where did you even get that thing," Remus mumbled, but his question was lost to Peter's voice.

"Hey!" Protested Peter. "We helped, too!"

"Of course you did," nodded Sirius. Then he suddenly grinned, "Best damn backup singers a guy could ask for. Except for the off-key part."

Peter began to protest further and looked to James for support, but he found his fellow backup entranced by something hovering around the entrance to the common room. Something with dark red hair and a Prefect badge.

However, it was Neveah who walked strait into the midst of the group and plopped herself down on the floor between Remus and James.

"I knew it," she stated proudly.

Sirius blinked. "I'm the best singer you've ever heard? You've realized you're madly in love with me?"

Neveah ignored him and turned to James. "I knew you guys were up to something."

"Who's the crazy theorist now?" grumbled Lily, who had finally joined them.

The girls were joined today by Marlene McKinnon. "Ignore them," Marlene added cheerfully. "Lily's just angry that Neveah ignores her conspiracy theories most of the time."

"But then has to follow up on her own! I'm never going to let you forget this." Lily insisted, a slight flush coloring her face.

James stared at it hungrily, as if he'd never see anything to rival it. Surveying the group, Lily decided to fill the wide space between Remus and Sirius, leaving Marlene the much smaller hole between Peter and James.

"It was awesome, though. Definitely a memorable addition to dinner," Marlene chirped.

Lily surprised them all, well mostly everyone but Remus, who was already on her good side, by smiling and adding cheerfully, "Dumbledore certainly seemed to be enjoying himself. I really thought he was going to let you finish."

Neveah nodded. "Until Black decided it was a good idea to call McGonagall a 'chick'." She shook her head.

"You think you could do better?" Sirius challenged.

"I wouldn't have made a stupid mistake like that."

Lily hastily interrupted the impending quarrel. "I didn't know you listened to Muggle radio." She said it mostly to Sirius, but it was clear that her 'you' included all of the. James grinned goofily.

Sirius simply shrugged. "Good music is good music."

"How would you know?" Neveah quipped. "Your singing could drop a manticore."

"I'm sure you mean that it could lull it into the gentlest-"

"You know what, I take it back. A fluffy puffskein would tear out your throat, just to get you to stop singing."

Sirius practically yelled. "You know what Harper-" He stood.

"I know your singing and your planning are as successful as a troll at Transfiguration." Neveah stood, and for a moment, they stared at each other, the air practically crackling.

Then Sirius advanced with another argument, and he and Neveah ended up doing some kind of weird dance thing around the room while they bickered.

"Well." sighed Remus, with a glance at Marlene, "I think I'm off to the library. I need some normalcy today. Want to come?" Marlene could see reason. She stood, dusted off her skirt, and dashed into the dormitory to grab an extra book.

"Wormtail?" Remus asked.

"Uh, I don't think the library..." Peter trailed off as Remus narrowed his eyes. Almost imperceptibly, his head dropped.

"Oh, right!" squeaked Peter. "I love the library!" When he jumped up, Remus rolled his eyes.

"Subtle." Peter just shrugged.

This left James and Lily in the no-longer circle, staring into each other's eyes. Or at least, they would be in the prime position to do so, had they not been pointedly looking anywhere but.

Remus caught James' eye as it passed around the common room. "Talk," he seemed to mouth. James began to sweat.

A second later, Marlene returned with the important book, and she left for the library with Remus and a reluctant Peter.

Neveah and Sirius had calmed their argument some—meaning they no longer created a path of destruction around the common room. They simply stood in one place to trade insults.

James eyes flickered to Lily. And away. To Sirius, hissing something at Neveah. And back to Lily. And away.

"I went to a concert once." James seemed to blurt it out, in desperation, but as he became lost in the memory, his eyes glazed over and took on a more-or-less normal cadence and inflection. "We were in Belfast, and I snuck away from Dad's boring business partners."

Lily snorted. "Shocking, that."

It was before they really made it big, Thin Lizzy, you know. It was kinda cool. Of course, my mother about chained me to herself after that, she was so frantic." At this point, James recalled that Lily was actually looking at him. He tried to shrug nonchalantly,but it came off as more of a jerk. "There was no need for her to worry. Although I suppose I could have been blown up."

"Would have been a shame." Silence. "I've only ever been to one concert. It was small. In a park." James gulped. Lily had scooted closer to him, and he scooted outward, so he could keep an eye on Sirius. Or sohewouldn'. Whatever reason worked.

"You've never been to a Wizard rock concert?" James asked, in what he proudly thought was a normal, conversational tone."

Lily shook her head. "No. V has, though."

"They're completely insane," James chuckled, "Sirius and I went to see The Unforgivables last summer. I thought the stadium would come down during "Baby, You're My Favorite Curse"—bloody brilliant, it was."

Lily half-smiled, and James was so caught up in it that he almost didn't notice the hand migrating toward his hair. With a start, he recalled that Lily didn't like that habit of his, and briefly considered sitting on his hand to keep it down.

He chuckled nervously. "By the end, we were completely covered in mud, sparking glitter, and daisy petals. Sirius complained that he felt like a drowned fairy the whole way home."

"I can see that."

A silence fell again. But, James noted, it was not quite as uncomfortable as the last. He sighed. "What are we going to do about those two?" He asked, gesturing to where Sirius and Neveah stood, nearly nose-to-nose behind the large couch.

"I don't know," Lily shook her head. "Before it was—but this is completely ridiculous."

James responded without thinking. "Really? I was going to say they reminded me of us—a year or so back."

Once his own words registered with him, he froze.

James fully expected Lily to unleash her wrath. "Oh. Were we that bad?"

"I think we sometimes still are."

"Oh," Lily responded again. "It looks kind of silly from this end."

"Yeah. It seems so-" James frantically searched his (very small) dictionary of known woman language- "childish."

Lily turned to him, staring at him for the first time since they had been left alone. Her eyes were wide, and James repressed the need to scoot closer to her. A moment later, Lily's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Yes, it does."

"I mean arguing is fun, but there's a line," James began to babble, and this time his hand already brushed through his hair before he realized it was there."

"Fun?" Lily blinked incredulously. Her tone clearly stated that she thought his comment inspired by heavy amounts of Firewhiskey.

"Sure. Gets the adrenaline pumping. Stimulates the brain cells..."

"Yeah, until each person is so worked up that they can't even think. Explain to me how that's fun?" Lily's voice picked up pace and inched up half an octave.

"Careful now," James smirked. "That sounds like the beginning of an argument."

"Urgh! You are so-"

"Infuriating"

"I was going to say-"

"Maddening?"

Lily took a deep breath before speaking. "Infuriating, actually." She paused a moment. "That's not what I expected you to say," she finally admitted.

James would need to thank Remus later. That one had been his idea. "I thought you would go with one of the old standbys, like handsome or-"

"Why thank you, Lily," James inclined his head. "Handsome is quite a compliment."

Lily rolled her eyes, but the venom and the usual exasperation were absent. "There it is."

She looked toward Neveah and Sirius. One now leaned lazily over the back of the couch while the other glared. A rakish moment and a wild gesture was all it took to ignite the quarrel once again.

"Should we stop them?" asked Lily hesitantly.

James shook his head. "Not just yet." He flicked his wand and a bowl of popped corn appeared between the two. Lily furtively examined the bowl before scooping out a handful of the snack.

James, in turn, was stealing glances at Lily as she carefully passed kernels through her lips.

He would definitely have to thank Remus later. He owed him three times over for today. And although he couldn't understand the whole abandonment of guys' night thing, James—after running his eyes to Lily once more—thought he really _could _understand the appeal.

Not that he would ever do it, mind you. Sirius would not be quite so forgiving with him. An impromptu rock concert would seem like a treat.

As he watched the show and shared a snack with Lily, James began to sing in a whisper...

"When I say she's cool, I mean she's red hot!" Lily glanced at him oddly, and James hastily shoved a handful of popped corn into his mouth. Although he could control the volume of his voice, dropping it even lower when he resumed singing, James found he could not fight the grin appearing on his face.

"The boys are back, the boys are back in town!"


	5. Careers A through F

Disclaimer: Characters created by J.K. Rowling

A/N: Thanks to _the estella black_, whose opinion was invaluable when I couldn't decide just WWSS (What Would Sirius Say). Oh, and a word of warning. There's a microburst of profanity in here. Rated T-15, to be safe. It's not my fault. It's What Sirius Would Say. :)

Now onto inspiration: Even in my old age, I'm still getting the question: What do you want to do with your life? / Where are you working? / Are you working?

Every time I hear it, after the 'You don't really care, so mind your own business,' I'm inclined to answer: Of course I'm working. I'm working on becoming a billionaire, so I never have to answer that question again. Now, let's bypass the piddly small talk & discuss literature or art! :sniff: Normal, right? Anyway, that question & the time of year where all those not quite so aged have to answer the 'What university are you applying to/What are you studying?/You don't want to go to a university? What are you going to do then?' questions have inspired, uh, this...

I hope you like it! And may you never have to answer _that _question more than you care to. :)

* * *

**Why We Are Awesome **

_by Padfoot and Prongs_

**Careers A-F**

"Career Advice for the Future-Minded Witch or Wizard," read James, picking up a pamphlet from the table. "Nice. Isn't it a bit early for that sort of thing?"

Lily sniffed, finally looking up from her essay, only having flinched when he laid hands on her personal property. She was rather proud of her reaction. "Maybe for you it's early," she shot back, snatching the brochure from his fingertips. "The rest of us began taking it seriously at career advice last year. Careers as lazy smart asses aren't for everyone, you know."

"Lily," James put a hand to his heart in mock shock, "did you just call me... smart?"

"I'm sorry, slip of the tongue. _Dumb_ asses."

"There you are!" James exclaimed, delighted. He was determined that Lily's stabs to his character would no longer affect him. He was doing fairly well, if he did have to say so himself. "Although I think you've been taking one too many lessons from Harper. I don't recall you're mouth ever being that dirty."

Lily blushed, and although the manly part of James applauded his one-up, some other part felt like pulling out his hair.

"How would you know?" Neveah butted in, having just bounded down the dormitory stair with a book in her hands. "It's not like you've ever gotten close enough to her mouth to tell."

"Oooh, burn," commented Sirius for the first time.

"Nor will you ever," added Lily definitely.

"Nice, friends I have," muttered James, scuffing the exposed stone of the floor with his toe. "Turn their back on me for a girl."

"Nope," called Sirius, having obviously gleaned more through friend telepathy than actual hearing. "I just call 'em as they are."

"Right." James took a deep breath to prepare himself. "So, Lily, what careers are you looking into?"

Lily, who had been scratching away at her latest potions essay, her quill practically burning a hole in the parchment, what with the speed at which she was writing, stopped dead mid-sentence. Her eyes narrowed of their own accord, as they so often did when she talked to James Potter. "Why?"

James shrugged, not realizing through his immense pride at himself for carrying on a conversation with Lily that consisted of more than 'uhs' and 'ums', that that shrug was a sure-fire way to infuriate her. "Just curious. I mean, we don't really need to be thinking about this stuff until later in the year, right?"

"Those of us who genuinely care about having a future, Potter, will have to disagree with you."

"Oh, I care," James bristled. For some reason, her comment bothered him. A lot. "Which is why I'm considering training as an Auror."

Lily started. This she had not expected. Could it be? He was actually taking something seriously? His voice sounded grave, as if he knew exactly what he was saying, what he would be choosing.

"Everything's so screwed up-" James fell off, looking around at the change his words caused in the mood of the listeners. He hated when that stuff touched Hogwarts, even if it was inevitable sometimes. Damned if he would be the cause of it, though. He only had another two years to play safe.

"Of course, that's only if international Quidditch star doesn't work out. That's my plan A." James nodded.

"I see," responded Lily, her voice betraying a quiver of irritation, "so something as piddly as Auror, that's only plan B, if fame and fortune doesn't pan out?"

James had no desire to return to the serious, but he didn't see if he had any other choice. Remus had been trying to teach him something like joking with your words but being serious with your eyes? The moody marauder had that shit down. James realised how useful something like that would be right about now. He didn't want to bring the mood of the group back down, but he didn't want to piss Lily off either.

Sirius came to his rescue just in time. "No, no, Evans, you've got it all wrong!" he exclaimed, actually feeling up to hoisting himself out of the comfy armchair in order to take one at the table where Lily and Neveah sat doing homework.

"See, Auror is only plan F," affirmed James with a smirk.

"Plan B is something much more interesting."

"And what would that be?" asked Lily. James slid carefully into the chair between Lily and Sirius. He didn't really fancy being in between the two of them at this tenuous moment in time, but that survival instinct lost out to the 'be close to Lily' one.

"You might steal our ingenious idea, Evans. Not sure if I can tell you."

Neveah snorted, pushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm sure we'll be just dying to snatch up any spare idea crumbs you let fall, Black, because your ideas are so-"

"Is he talking about their life plan again?" interrupted Remus, falling into a chair beside Neveah. James momentarily grew jealous of the prefect badge on Remus' robes that allowed him the close contact with the woman James wanted but seemed never allowed to have—and her best friend, who would be a definite asset in the quest.

"Life plan?" asked Alice, choosing the seat across from Lily at the head of the table. "Sounds riveting. Marlene said to tell you she had to make a stop at the library, Lily. She'll meet you at dinner."

"Thanks," Lily smiled.

"So anyway," Sirius immediately drew the attention back to himself. "Plan A is international fame and fortune, via the good ole Quidditch. We all know that's possible, as I'm a brilliant player, and James isn't too bad either..."

"Yeah, thanks," James grumbled, though not earnestly, as they both recognized that, although Sirius was a brilliant player, James had the fortunate edge of being a natural.

"And pray tell, what is Plan B?" asked Lily.

Remus groaned. "You had to ask? Here we go."

"Now, now, Moony, no jealousy. We've told you we'd be more than happy to let you into the business. It's you who keeps claiming you want to do something else."

"Kneasle farm," spoke James.

"I beg your pardon?" for the first time, Alice looked interested. Being in the seventh year and having a very popular boyfriend excluded her from the 'James Potter and Sirius Black are infuriating, so when they say just about anything, we have to argue or make some glib remark because we really can't help it club' – that, and she was just plain nice.

"Kneasles, you know? We're going to train them to be international spies."

"Way to give up the goods, Prongs," grumbled Sirius, "now anyone can steal the idea."

"Uh, I think it's safe," Neveah responded dryly, setting her quill on the table.

"I'm holding you to that," Sirius spoke, pointing a finger in her direction.

James began relating the plan as Neveah held up her arms in assent. "It's just a front, anyway. The Kneasle farm for the international spy ring. They're smart, those fluffy balls of something, and so innocent looking, no one would ever suspect. Of course, those two are only the cover for the other business."

Lily couldn't help but ask. "What, other business, pray tell?"

"Plan C," stated Sirius proudly. "Strip club buffet combo. That one was my idea."

"Shocking," quipped Neveah.

"I mean, consider the possibilities. You could go to a buffet, eat all you want, while watching man or woman—whatever floats your broom- take off some seriously sexy stuff. Food and women—or men, as it were," he added, gesturing toward the ladies of the table and one fifth year boy by the fireplace. "Great, spectacular. Two of the world's favourite things."

"More like two of your favourite things," mumbled someone who sounded suspiciously like Remus.

Sirius chose to ignore the comment. "Or_..._" he leaned in, his voice dropping lower as if telling the greatest secret in the world, "For the special clients, the buffet _is_ the striptease. Imagine a beautiful lady, spread out like a meal-"

Remus tried subtly to sink in his seat.

"Could you get any more sexist?" Lily couldn't help but interrupt.

"You do know who you're talking to right?" joined Neveah, the girls beginning a private conversation.

"Please, ladies, do not interrupt. I already said the _entertainment_ could be male _or_ female. Blanket statement. So, anyway, as you eat, say, some strawberries, or a sausage, whatever you like, you're slowing peeling away layers to this beautiful—_specimen-_" Sirius chose the word with a pointed look at the girls. "til there's nothing left but nature."

There was a brief silence. Remus shook his head.

"Of course, we're not completely crass," Sirius added with the prompt of a smack from James.

"No, of course not," Neveah rolled her eyes.

Then, Lily used her voice of reason. "Who'd want to eat food off of some stranger's body?"

"Don't knock it til you try it," grinned Sirius, without hesitation.

"I still think it's revolting, eating a kipper that came from a body part that's been _Merlin only knows_ _where_-"

"If you two'd let me finish!" exclaimed Sirius. " I was just getting to that part." He cleared his throat obnoxiously, with a hell of a lot of show. "We're not completely crass." He continued past the snorts of disbelief. "Part of the business would be in-home. We'd help the kinky witch or wizard spice up things in their personal life by bringing all their significant other's favourite foods in for the night, and setting up a private, artistically arranged buffet."

"Now that," smiled Alice innocently, "sounds like fun."

"Alice!"

Alice shrugged in a possible future client kind of way. "It really takes care of your objection, Lily. It wouldn't be a stranger."

Lily's mouth opened and closed a few times, but nothing came out. Finally, Neveah changed the subject. "What's plan D?"

The grin plastered over Sirius' face only grew wider. "I'm so glad you asked. "Now, see, I've long considered international piracy, but James here, he's a landlubber. Get's seasick at the slightest swell-"

"Padfoot, please. Plan D is for dating," James finished for him, eager to turn the discussion from his somewhat weak constitution. Besides, there were potions for that sort of thing now.

"D for dating?"

"You've already got a strip club. What are you going to become a professional escort, now, Black?"

"No, no. Keep up, Harper. Plan A: _Around_ the world fame. Plan B: _Breeding_ Kneasles as international spies. Plan C: The _Club Combo_—strip club buffet. Plan D: _Dating_ coach." Although more recently, I've considered beginning this business now. Prongs here is my first client. His own plan D is a bit _Different_ than mine. It involves _Damsels_ in distress and _Dad's_ inheritance money, something like that." James could be said to be blushing at this point. "This is where our ideas split. E for me is use my _Exceptionally-_good looks and intelligence to rid the world of _Evil_."

"I see, Black, and stunning. What does F stand for? Fail? As in, the epic kind?"

"Funny. No. Plan F is I _Fucking _hope at least one of my _Fucking brilliant _life plans works out because I'd throw myself off a F_ucking _bridge if I had to work a _Fucking_ desk job."

Neveah's mouth fell into a perfect 'o'. Whether it was from shock or because she was impressed he'd managed to fit that many 'fucks' in a perfectly constructed sentence, no one but Miss Harper will ever know.

"Oh."

"Yep," Sirius gave her his best swoon-worthy smile. "I know."

Neveah bristled. "You know _what_, Black? How incredibly stupid that sounds? How much of a doxy head that makes you?"

"Not exactly the words I would have chosen, but whatever sinks your pirate ship, Harper."

"Don't you mean floats your broom?"

"No, I don't. I want to sink your pirate ship."

"Well, in that case, Black, you'll have to catch it first."

"I'm working on that one-"

"They're perfect for each other, you know?"

"Who?"

"Sirius and Harper."

"Are you mad, Potter? They'd kill each other."

"I don't think so. You know, love and hate are awfully close, Lily." Lily shifted uncomfortably and followed the grooves of a knothole in the table. "The perfect match for him, excepting me, of course. But I'm not really his type, and I like my dates with a little more..."

"Curves?"

"I was going to say intelligence, but that works too."

"Oh." Lily popped her lips. "So... you want to be an Auror? Only if plans A-E don't work out, of course."

"Lily, you remembered. I'm touched."

"Well of course I remembered. It was only five minutes ago. Wait... you never said what Plan E is?"

James frowned. "Of course...I...did? Plan E, for the plan that doesn't Exist."

Lily eyed him. "You just made that up now, didn't you?"

No! Of course not!" James shook his head. "Maybe."

Lily let out a small giggle, and James looked like someone had just presented him with the Quidditch cup.

"Well, I, for one, think Auror is a very admirable career." James beamed. He may have blushed, too, but beamed sounds more manly, if only the teensiest bit, so that's how he thought of it. Honestly, he wasn't sure that he did want to be an Auror.

It was exciting enough, especially with the current state of things. And he wasn't lying when he'd talked about his need to do something.

But James Potter never was one for following rules. And, as he'd been told by a very severe-looking McGonagall when he'd gone in for career counseling, Aurors had to follow _all_ the rules. Yelch.

"Yeah, I'm not sure if it's the right thing for me." James settled on abridging his thoughts, because he wasn't sure what Lily would say or do if she heard them.

Or maybe, it was because he did have some inkling as to how she would react that he decided not to share.

"What, and a kneasle farm is?"

James just grinned stupidly and shrugged. "Maybe. After all, we cute, cuddly, cunning creatures have to stick together."

"Prongs, I know I did not just hear you call yourself cute!" Sirius practically shouted.

James put on a panicked look and whispered frantically to Lily. "Cover for me!"

"What?" she hissed.

"Nope!" James called back, noticing that Sirius and Neveah had turned away from each other and toward James & Lily. "I was obviously talking about this beautiful creature beside me."

"Why James-!" Siruis began. But James cut him off before he could utter something like 'I didn't know you felt that way!' or 'Not in front of the kids!'

"I meant Lily," he said.

"Impossible," retorted Sirius with barely a moment to breathe. "She hasn't slapped you yet."

"Oh, hardy har har, Padfoot. That's funny."

Squinting her eyes, Neveah examined Lily closely. "Nope it may be a miracle, but he speaks the truth. Lily's blushing. … Cue-" she murmured on the end

"Cue what?" Sirius

"I am not!"

"That," stated Neveah flatly.

"When you two've finished discussing me like I'm not here," grumbled Lily.

"Who? Us?" asked Sirius, blinking innocently. "I'm insulted, Lily. I always talk about people so they can hear-include them in the conversation, you know," he continued, beginning to gesticulate as if he were the minister for Magic, giving a grand speech to the Wizarding community. "I feel it's important that people know what you're thinking of them.

"It's simply unfair, for example, to call Prongs here-" he clapped James on the back, "a sniveling birdbrained tightass behind his face. It's much kinder to say it in front of him, so he knows and can man-up some."

Lily did not respond, but raised an eyebrow.

"It would be tragically unfair of me to leave Prongs in the dark about his less-than sharp mental faculties, for then he can do nothing whatsoever to improve them."

"Black, for once, you and I completely agree on something," Lily smiled sweetly. Both James and Neveah unconsciously shifted backward. "And, in that spirit, You are tolerable at times, when you're not a cocky prick."

"Thanks-"

Neveah cut him off. "Or nauseatingly narrow-minded."

"You know, that's-"

"Exceptionally vulgar."

"Pedestrian in your insults."

"Prosa-"

"Okay, okay!" Sirius yelled, holding up his hands in surrender. "Some of that I deny, but some I will accept. It's all a part of the mantel of awesomness. However, you did forget one thing-"

"Oh?" questioned Neveah. "And what would that be?"

Sirius smiled, revealing his crooked smile. "_Criminally_ good-looking."

James snorted. A moment later, his head inexplicably connected with the heavy wood of the study table. He came up rubbing a rather sore-looking red spot on his forehead.

James tried his best to reconcile the evil glare at Sirius with the frantic massaging of the growing bump on his forehead. The latter Marauder glanced innocently at the wand in his hand. "Oops. My bad."

James grumbled something unintelligible.

Remus, who had been alternating between his current homework assignment and discussing Herbology with Alice, looked at his two friends, something he'd been trying to avoid. "Bad form, Padfoot," he shook his head.

"If I have a permanent mark here, you'll regret it," James squeaked. As he felt the sore spot, he noticed that it already had taken on the relief of a small bluff.

Neveah sighed. "I doubt that there'll be any permanent damage, James."

"Not to the outside," sighed Sirius with a rather dramatic shake of the head, "but the inside was already so fragile, who can say what will happen."

Lily giggled. That giggle, which had before acted as a beacon of hope, now ignited anger within the young man seated next to her.

With skill and accuracy that comes only from a long and deep friendship, James thrust out a hand that shoved away Sirius' head. Not quite as deadly as the former attack, but full of frustration nonetheless.

"Why don't you just heal it?" asked Neveah, logically.

Sirius snorted, which then turned into a barking laugh. "Harper, did I ever tell you about the time Jamesie tried to heal his own broken nose?" The laughter escalated so that the scene found Sirius with his own head on the table, banging his hand on the wood and shaking so much he looked to be having a fit.

James was not amused. He found to immense relief, however, that Sirius was laughing much to hard to actually get the story out.

When Sirius finally resurfaced, there were tears in his eyes, and the shaking lessened only slightly. He waved his arms around the table.

"It wasn't pretty," translated Remus.

"Alice can heal you," offered Neveah. She's pretty good at those charms.

A funny look came over Alice's face. "Nah. And you're just as good."

Neveah shook her head. "I disagree. But anyway, I don't reward stupidity. He can deal with it."

James scrunched up his face into its most pitiful looking expression. It was the one he used when he wanted to weasel something out of this mother.

"Oh, all right then. Come here." An exasperated Lily withdrew her wand.

James' mouth fell open, as if he couldn't believe his luck.

And really, he couldn't.

A incantation and a warm sensation later, James couldn't be sure that the marks had disappeared, having never seen them anywhere but in his imagination in the first place. But the bump had certainly gone.

"Thanks," he smiled his best smile. A real one.

Lily shrugged, though an outsider might have said that she appeared slightly flustered—but only momentarily. "I may call upon you to do me a favor someday."

"Sure," James replied easily. "Anytime, love."

Remus may have groaned at his point.

"James?"

"Yes Lily?"

It was here that Sirius began wailing like a siren.

"Call me love again, and I'll put a _permanent_ dent in that forehead of yours."

James gulped. And rightly so. "Right. Got it." He puffed his cheeks out before mumbling under his breath, "How silly of me to forget..."

"We've got to go. Coming, Neveah?" Lily quickly gathered up, her tone switching to the brusqueness she reserved for school projects and prefect duties.

"Already there," Neveah answered.

"I've got to meet Frank," Alice added.

And just like that, the table was stripped of it's females.

"Well," coughed Remus, "that went-"

"Shockingly well."

"Until you had to push it, Prongs," Sirius sighed, shaking hair into his eyes-accidentally on purpose, of course. "Did you not hear my Siren of Death?"

"Yeah, funny thing about that-makes it hard to think."

"To think, you'd have to have some mental capacity in the first place."

James, like any male whose manhood has been rather uncomfortably called into question, responded with diversionary tactics.

"What about you and Neveah?"

"Harper? What about us?"

"Uh... guys," Remus began.

James' left eyebrow raised ever so slowly. "You're not going to comment on that one?"

"No, Prongs, I don't believe I will."

Remus attempted to interject again. "Um... maybe you shouldn't-"

"Really? Because what with the way you've been acting around her, I'd say you wanted in her kn-"

"YO!" All heads turned to Remus, including a few other groups scattered around the Gryffindor common room. "Prongs, I don't know that you want to push this-"

"Yeah, I do," James interrupted yet again. "He won't admit that he's doing the same thing to Neveah that I do around Lily!"

"How would you feel if he said you wanted in Lily's knickers?"

James' face traversed through six shades of pink before settling in a healthy rose. In a huff, he sunk into the back of his chair.

"Fine," James mumbled. "But I want him-" he pointed a shaking finger at Sirius- "To admit that he's a bleeding hypocrite."

"I, unlike you, am not hopelessly in love with a girl that will barely look at me."

"Screw you."

"Not my bag, thanks. At least not today."

"I'm sick of your... unhelpful hipocracy."

"Big words, Prongs. Do you even know what those, mean?"

"Admit you've got a thing for Harper!"

Sirius shrugged. "She's shaggable."

"Not good enough."

"Too bad. I'm done," Sirius barked over his shoulder and headed toward another part of the common room. He would not admit defeat enough to withdraw into the dormitory.

He'd taken nearly two steps, when a loud thwack indicated his arse had returned to its former abode.

James flicked his wrist. "You're not the only one who's handy with a wand. You're not running fro-"

"Ah, but no one is as handy with a wand as I am," Sirius winked.

"Did you just—urgh! Of course you did."

And just like that, the tension dissolved and James and Sirius took healthy snickering to a whole new level.

Remus joined in a moment later.

Once James was near a regular breathing schedule, he looked at Sirius. Remus sighed. Sometimes, the boy didn't have a clue as to when to quit. James provided further evidence of his stupidity—or stubborness, as he preferred to call it- by refreshing the old argument. "But Harper-"

"Harper would be a brilliant case for my wand."

James narrowed his eyes. "And just that?"

"All there is."

James opened his mouth to respond, but Remus beat him to the spell, for once. "I have it from the house elves there'll be treacle tart at dinner."

James looked toward Sirius, then back at Remus' serious expression. "Later!" Whether it was only to Sirius or to both, neither could determine over the sound of James scrambling out of his chair.

"Great," groaned Sirius, as James tripped over his feet and nearly crushed a second year in trying to get to the portrait hole. "You know when you tell him beforehand, he hogs it all and we end up stealing from the Slytherins."

Remus stepped up to join his friend as they watched James' trainer disappear. "Such a shame, that."

"Terrible," Sirius agreed. A slow smile drifted up his face, landing in his eyes. "I can't wait to see the looks on their faces."


End file.
